News

Men behaving frightfully badly

Thu, 23 May 2013 07:00:00 EDT

Yesterday the National Archives released a treasure trove of documents relating to British intelligence from 1936-51. We like to think of that era as a golden one for Britain, a world of afternoon tea, good manners and perfectly groomed moustaches. But it turns out they were a right lairy lot if these documents are anything to go by.

One of the first stories to grab attention was of Lieutenant Colonel Dudley Clarke, a British intelligence officer who was arrested by the Spanish in 1941 while dressed as a woman. It's not unprecedented for a spy to pose as the opposite sex to pass undetected. It's just that in this case Lt Col Clarke was off the job and seems to have done it just for giggles. When questioned he claimed to be a novelist who was researching how men reacted to women in the street. Research of this kind is obviously more sophisticated nowadays - just two minutes spent lingering near a building site will tell you everything you need to know.

Even the King was up to such shenanigans that the government was forced to spy on him. In 1936 King Edward VIII, now better known as Colin Firth's less stuttery brother and Helen Mirren's uncle, prompted a crisis when he decided to abdicate the throne and marry American socialite Wallis Simpson. The government was so afraid of the scandal getting out that they immediately had the royal phone tapped to monitor any communication with Simpson, who was staying nearby.

It's hard to imagine someone trying to tell the King that he shouldn't see his girlfriend. The documents don't record whether the government's surveillance stretched as far as lifting up his duvet every night in case he'd made a false King out of pillows and climbed down the drainpipe to meet her behind the stables.

Finally, it was revealed that it took a marathon drinking session in 1942 to finally broker an understanding between allies Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin. A foreign office account reported that the meeting in Moscow began frostily but eventually livened up when Stalin invited Churchill back to his chambers for a nightcap and the pair found common ground. At one point a very merry Stalin noted that he disagreed with Churchill's comment but "liked the spirit of it". It's not known what that remark was, but it may have been Churchill's boast that he would drink Stalin "under the table, off his face... and on the beaches."

So maybe we have more in common with the British of the 30s and 40s than we like to think. As a nation of semi-eccentric, binge-drinking, work-shy pessimists perhaps we'd be better off adopting the motto "Dress Up, Get Pissed, Quit Work and Carry On".]]>

Wayne Rooney gives birth to bouncing baby boy

Tue, 21 May 2013 07:00:00 EDT

Klay Anthony Rooney, a bouncing baby boy. After initial confusion when Wayne attempted to head it into the top corner, the doctors managed to stop the bouncing and have reported that the baby and mother are both doing extremely well, and the father as well as can be expected given that he’s Wayne Rooney.

The Rooneys took to twitter to celebrate the birth, with the Manchester United striker tweeting that "Our Beautiful Son Klay Anthony Rooney was born at 2.11am, Weighing 7Ib 11.1/2 oz." It's still a mystery why people feel the need to share the weight of their children; we're not likely to be packing them in our carry-on luggage anytime soon. It's not even an instinct found in any other sphere of human endeavor: "We’ve finally bought that house we’ve always wanted." "That's nice. How much does it weigh?"

For any baby born to such illustrious parentage, his future career is bound to be hotly anticipated. And with Alex Ferguson leaving such a strong youth programme at Man Utd, the question of how long it will take for the club to snap up the latest Rooney is sure to be on the lips of most fans. Will Klay be able to emulate the sporting glory of his father? We looked up 'Klay' on one of those name meaning websites and found this:

Klay is "independent, resourceful, practical, and patient." Sounds promising. Klay could be "inventive along scientific or technical lines." Okay, what about the 18-yard line? Klay is "fussy about details and seeks perfection in whatever he undertakes." Well this is all well and good too but it doesn't tell us if Klay prefers a lone-striker position or a deeper supporting role? How are we to know that he'll even make a footballer at all? Oh, hold on...

"Despite his loyalty to friends, Klay's communication at times is stilted, too candid, and frank." Fair enough. Even if his on-field skills aren't all that he should at least prove a dab-hand at the awkward post match interview.]]>

How to get to space

Mon, 20 May 2013 07:00:00 EDT

Major Tim Peake has been selected to join the crew of the International Space Station (ISS) in December 2015.

This follows the tremendous popularity of Canadian Commander Chris Hadfield, who finally touched down last week after his version of David Bowie's Space Oddity became the first ever space music video, and an online hit. Who knew a floating minstrel with an unconvincing 'tache would be so popular?

Meanwhile, it's been a long wait for us Brits, who have been left out of the space party for decades. For years we've had to sit back and watch as the Russians took their dogs for walkies around Earth's orbit and the Americans played hopscotch on the lunar surface. Meanwhile, flying the flag for British space exploration was Mr Spoon from Button Moon, and the only rockets we built were made from empty Fairy Liquid bottles. We had to pretend like it wasn't a big deal; who needs the stars when you've got Blackpool Illuminations? We're doing just fine on the ground.

Thing is, we DID care. When amateur Mars exploration bot Beagle 2 launched to rival NASA's Spirit Rover in 2004 we all desperately hoped for a classic British underdog triumph, until an embarrassing crash-landing forced us back to the old "no Space please, we're British". After all, we invented The Beatles and won the World Cup in 1966, what more can you expect from one nation?

Now it looks like the government is finally ready to start investing in UK space travel. It's unlikely we'll be seeing the Union Jack flapping around on Mars any time soon, but it's an encouraging step. Hopefully this will lead the way to a more relaxed version of the Outer Space Act of 1968, which not only established a whole bunch of restrictions on launching "space-objects" from British soil, but also made us liable for any debris left in orbit. Sounds pretty depressing when you put it like that doesn't it? But let's face it, the British are hardly going to start firing stuff into space without doing the necessary paperwork.

Well we're ambitious here at Comedy Central and it's always been our dream to leave the Earth and bring giggles to the galaxy. So how exactly do you get one of these space licenses? Turns out it's as easy as visiting the UK Space Agency website and downloading the application form. Seven pages? This should be a doddle.

Please give a brief statement on the purpose of the mission which you would be willing to see publicly disclosed, if necessary.
That's easy. To boldly go...

At what radio frequencies and at what powers will the space object transmit during its planned mission?
Well we're Sky 112 down here. Up there... maybe Space 1?

Will the space object carry any form of animal life? (If Yes, please give details).
Do interns count? We'll say yes.

Outline any conditional/contingent costs associated with the space activity.
500 tubes of Pringles x £1.24 = £620. One LoveFilm subscription = £12.99 a month.

Is it planned that any solid or ionizing or gaseous materials should be released from the object other than as part of a normal propulsion system? Note: The propulsions system covers AOCS thrusters (if yes, please give details).
Erm... no?

Please give details of basic orbital parameters:
a. Period
b. Inclination
c. Apogee
d. Perigee

In the case of a satellite planned to operate in geosynchronous orbit please also state: the planned orbital longitude, the planned latitude and longitude boundaries within which the satellite will operate:

Actually, maybe we'll fill this in later...]]>

Here Comes Trouble

Fri, 17 May 2013 07:00:00 EDT

unmissable television event with the arrival of reality star Honey Boo Boo to UK screens. Unless of course you missed it.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is one of the new breed of reality shows, which means that it bears no resemblance to anything that ever happens in reality. Its star is the self-titled Honey Boo Boo, a seven-year old beauty queen wannabe from the deep South of America. Child beauty pageants are a peculiarly American phenomenon, mainly notable not for being icky, disturbing or misguided but because they're incredibly annoying. There's really nothing worse than having to look at pictures of other people's kids, except when those kids are dressed as princesses and exuding the kind of unmitigated self-consciousness that only a combination of youth and being American can produce.

Honey Boo Boo is an enthusiastic, some would say worryingly hyperactive, participant in these contests, fuelled by a special mix of Mountain Dew and Red Bull invented by her mother to pep her up. Her mother doesn't see anything wrong with this, conveniently ignoring that the first rule of parenting is to keep your kids quiet. Like most reality stars, Honey Boo Boo is the kind of person that might be fun on television, but would be the last person you'd want seated next to you in a restaurant.

Actually, as some critics have pointed out, Honey Boo Boo appears to be relatively happy and well-adjusted. But then the show only started in August, and the rule of reality is that the stars become increasingly disconnected from it as the series go on. The first season of Big Brother was so low-key that catching someone picking their nose was a highlight, but thirteen years later and contestants are skipping into the house in mankinis and promptly punching, shagging or peeing on the first thing they see. By that standard, series 15 of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo ought to see the star breaking out of rehab in a wedding dress and crashing her tractor into the White House toilets in an attempt to boost ratings.

For now, at least, she seems like a happy kid, so it would take a pretty twisted individual to wish any kind of harm on her. Right, Cartman?

Honey Boo Boo goes head to head with Cartman in "Raising the Bar" – 10pm on Extra.

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Star Wars vs Doctor Who

Thu, 16 May 2013 10:30:00 EDT

Star Wars fans and Doctor Who fans at a Norwich sci-fi convention. The event was organised by the Norwich Star Wars club, but things got tense when a couple of members of the rival Norwich Sci-Fi club turned up to meet their favourite Doctor Who actors. Is this all sounding a bit "People's Front of Judea" to you?

Actually the whole affair seems to have been quite genteel, with lightsabers and sonic screwdrivers remaining sheathed. But it got us thinking - who would win in a no holds barred fight between Star Wars fans and Doctor Who fans. Ready for a bit of Sci-Fi top trumps?

Weapons:
The Star Wars universe is enormous and comes with a whole arsenal of deadly tech: lightsabers, blasters, TIE fighters, death stars... What can Doctor Who match against that? Sadly the only answer is a sonic screwdriver, a sort of cosmic Swiss army knife with utilities varying from unlocking doors, hacking alien systems and sort of repelling baddies with a vague sonic forcey thing. The problem is, the Doctor's committed to non-violent solutions and prefers to live and let live. Big green alien baddy that's swallowing people whole and then assuming their forms? Would you mind doing that on another planet please? It's hard to imagine the Rebel forces showing the same amount of mercy, and don't even get us started on the Empire...

Winner: Star Wars

Names:
For the forces to band together it helps to have a name. Who fans are Whovians, Trek fans are Trekkies, but what are Star Wars fans? No one's quite figured it out yet. A lot of fans may choose to identify themselves as Jedis (if the UK census is anything to go by) but what of those that choose to follow the dark side? This Jedi/Sith schism could cause a rift which would weaken them against the relatively unified Whovians. Relatively, in that there have now been eleven Doctors and strong arguments are likely to follow anytime anyone makes the mistake of suggesting that David Tennant was "obviously the best one".

Winner: The Whovians. Just.

Endurance:
The first Star Wars film was released in 1977, thirty-six years ago. Since then it's remained a lively fixture of the cultural landscape, with appearances across film, television, comics and computer games. Doctor Who doesn't have quite as expansive a reach, but it's currently celebrating its fiftieth anniversary year, and is still a weekend television event. Even with a smaller universe it may prove more enduring. Star Wars has shown us that heroes fall, friends turn to enemies and empires crumble. As for the Doctor - he just keeps on regenerating.

Winner: Doctor Who

Science:
Most people are happy to file Star Wars under science-fiction without a second thought, but some devotees would argue that it is in fact 'space fantasy'. It might employ many of the same tropes as sci-fi - spaceships, aliens, far away galaxies - but also has magical elements like 'the Force' which cannot be explained. By contrast, science fiction like Doctor Who takes place in a rational universe where everything has a sciencey sounding explanation, even if it is all timey-wimey mumbo-jumbo. Of course, fans of the Star Wars prequels might point out that the Force is later revealed to be caused by tiny bacteria called midi-chlorians in the bloodstream. But that explanation would still be fantasy, as there is no rational explanation for fans of the Star Wars prequels. Bottom line - the Doctor might be a clever clogs, but Yoda is magic.

Winner: Star Wars

Enemies:
Whovians are naturally non-violent, and have remained without competition on UK television. By contrast, Star Wars fans have a long running and bitter rivalry with their natural enemies - Trekkies. Now that Star Trek movie director J.J. Abrams has taken over the Star Wars franchise it's all gotten a bit awkward, and may prove to be the most controversial signing since Man Utd striker Denis Law signed for Man City in 1973. Law ultimately caused his former team's relegation with a last-minute goal in the Manchester derby, resulting in a raucous pitch invasion. A wrong move by Abrams could lead to a similar feud breaking out between the two, thus splitting the Star Wars forces across two fronts.

Winner: Doctor Who

Conclusion:
Doctor Who appears to have the edge here. But then we've also established that Whovians are peaceful and un-armed, while Star Wars fans can turn to the dark-side without warning and have an array of high-tech weapons with which to crush their enemies. Therefore we declare the winner to be Star Wars! Sorry Doctor...]]>

Star Trek Into Darkness – review

Mon, 13 May 2013 08:00:00 EDT

USS Enterprise - Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Simon Pegg, Karl Urban and Zoe Saldana - have slipped back into their slim-fit, impractical costumes, this time taking on a sinister terrorist by the name of John Harrison, played with exquisite relish by Benedict Cumberbatch, a man with a mysterious past and a mind for revenge. So, is it any good?

Well yes and no. As with the first effort, it's spectacular to look at – if you can get past Abrams' trademark lens flare. Who knew there were so many cameras in deep space? As before the cast are all top-notch, and while some are reduced to little more than supporting roles – John Cho's Sulu and Anton Yelchin's Chekov – others are given more to do, especially Pegg's Scottie.

Into Darkness remains however, very much a continuation of the bromance between Kirk and Spock. As Harrison's attacks strike into the heart of Starfleet, a surprise death early on pushes the intergalactic odd couple to new levels of self-doubt and self-discovery. Pine and Quinto clearly relish this and both deliver superb performances. Props also go to Cumberbatch, who steals every scene he's in. He's a little hammy in places but good sci-fi blockbusters need a meaty, memorable villain who relishes every speech he's given and Cumberbatch delivers this in spades.

While the action set pieces are exhilarating, the script lacks the spark and wit of Abrams' first effort. It could also be argued that writers Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman and Damon Lindelof (the man who gave us the bafflingly awful script for Prometheus) have undone their good work in creating an alternate timeline in the first film, only to rip off huge chunks from the original saga. What's the point in giving Kirk and his crew a new destiny if they're only going to re-tread old ground? That said, the first film emphasised the inescapable bond Kirk and Spock form over time and this seems a fitting continuation of that theme.

It's a solid blockbuster and a welcome respite from the usual superhero stuff we're given this time of year. That said, Star Trek Into Darkness doesn't break any new ground, the Enterprise merely holding its steady, confident course. Which is no bad thing really.]]>

NBC Cancels Whitney

Fri, 10 May 2013 08:00:00 EDT

Whitney fans, NBC has cancelled the show after two seasons. The US network has been doing some spring-cleaning and has also cancelled comedies Up All Night, Guys with Kids and 1600 Penn.

It's a double blow for Whitney Cummings, whose late night talk show Love You, Mean It was cancelled earlier in the year. She's still co-creator and executive producer of 2 Broke Girls though, so she won't exactly be destitute. As for her on-screen boyfriend Chris D'Elia - well you can see for yourself how he's doing.

But don't worry, it's not the end of Whitney as you know it quite yet. The second season will air on Comedy Central UK from June, so you'll have plenty of time to whisper your sad goodbyes. One face that won't be appearing again is Neal (Maulik Pancholy), who left after the first season to return to his post of faithful servant to Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. New addition Tone Bell takes his place in the ensemble, appearing as barman R.J. The series also has a new producer, Wil Calhoun, whose name ought to have been burnt into your retina by now after appearing on the end credits of most episodes of Friends.

Season 1 ended with Whitney and Alex married - or at least their version of married - and the new season will see plenty of challenges to their relationship as financial crises and crazy exes rear their ugly heads. And rest assured - their friends are just as hopeless as ever, so there'll be plenty more moments like this:

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Everybody Still Loves Raymond

Fri, 10 May 2013 04:00:00 EDT

Everybody Loves Raymond is set to be remade in the UK with Lee Mack and Catherine Tate taking the lead roles. Not Going Out star Mack has written a pilot for the BBC in which the action is relocated from New York to Cheshire. The original show was a hit for 9 years in the US, with more than 200 episodes produced. We Brits only tend to do 6 episodes a series so that should make it good for about 3 decades over here.

Just like Ray Romano in the original series, Mack will play a sports journalist living uncomfortably close to his parents and older brother. Most of the sports will be different, though America also has something called football so that should save the writers a bit of cutting and pasting. Catherine Tate will be the long suffering wife, taking over the role introduced by Patricia Heaton. Sadly the show will not be "Everybody Loves Lee" but has been retitled "The Smiths", meaning the first broadcast is sure to be followed by a sackful of disappointed letters from mopey indie-rock fans.

There's a long tradition of Americans remaking British shows (Sanford and Son, The Office), but not too many have gone the other way. Presumably because British people understand that when Ross buys a couch for his apartment in Friends, it's actually a sofa for his flat. And when Charlie is caught with his pants down in Anger Management - it's really not as bad as it sounds. By contrast, Fawlty Towers was just too confusing for US viewers. Why couldn't Basil just talk through his issues with a therapist?

Of course no matter how good a remake is, some people will always prefer the original. Luckily for those people it's on Comedy Central Extra every day, so you can drop in on the Barone household any time you like. Everyone else does...]]>

How did he do that?

Wed, 08 May 2013 05:00:00 EDT

Let's face it, special effects aren't really special any more. Once you've seen one CGI dinosaur fart out an exploding spaceship full of robot orks you've seen them all. But it wasn't always the case; there was a time when people were genuinely flabbergasted by what they saw on screen. When was the last time you were flabbergasted? Let us guess - you were eight years old and had just learnt that grown-ups could eat ice cream anytime they want to... and they do. Well movies used to be like that too.

Yesterday, special effects legend Ray Harryhausen died at the age of 92, leaving behind a lifetime of films that really did astonish and amaze their audiences. A stop-motion pioneer from an age when computers were more science fiction than fact, Harryhausen breathed incredible life in to monsters and mythical creatures in classic fifties and sixties films like Jason and the Argonauts and It Came From Beneath the Sea. He gave us cowboys fighting dinosaurs, elephants fighting aliens, men fighting armies of... well you get the picture. Lots of awesome monsters hitting each other and looking like they felt each blow. And he did it in his garage, painstakingly moving his clay creations frame by frame for weeks on end.

Nowadays the same time can be spent just watching the credits trundle by at the end of the movie. Harryhausen did on his own what it takes literally hundreds of people with the best computers in the world to do today. It's sort of like the infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters. Of course they could write the complete works of Shakespeare, but maybe it's best that Shakespeare just did it himself. Otherwise generations of English students might have been forced to write essays on the dramatic irony of the phrase "chd eh#jcye zx%gh banana".

So here's to Ray Harryhausen, creator of some of the greatest movie moments of all time. How did he do it? Passion, patience and plasticine.]]>

Ashton Kutcher settles lawsuit

Fri, 03 May 2013 07:00:00 EDT

Ashton Kutcher's production company Katalyst Media settled a lawsuit today with the California Department of Motor Vehicles after they fell out over a reality-show deal. The DMV is American for DVLA, and is in charge of car registration & licensing and ID cards - clearly a recipe for television gold. No one has yet explained why a busy and important government department would get cold feet over the prospect of working with the former host of Punk'd (watch classic clips here), but then the government works in mysterious ways. If at all.

Kutcher's lawyers said that the show had planned "to capture the variously humorous, emotional, dramatic, moving, humanizing and entertaining situations that arise on a daily basis". Of course there's nothing more dramatic and humanizing than an organisation that forces people to fill in twelve pages of paperwork and wait three to six weeks for an expensive piece of plastic in order to prove that they exist. What tales of heroism and fellowship might have been captured amongst the laminators we'll never know.

The project's collapse is a rare blow for the Two and a Half Men star, who usually knows a good deal when he sees one. Not content at playing internet tycoon Walden Schmidt, and internet tycoon Steve Jobs (in the film jOBS), he also likes to play at being internet tycoon Ashton Kutcher, and his investment firm announced a portfolio worth over $100 million on Wednesday. This commitment to method acting is the envy of all Hollywood, not least Robert Downey Jr, who has so far failed spectacularly to patent any pieces of super-armour, or even to create a new element in his basement.

To top it all off, Kutcher's girlfriend Mila Kunis was officially confirmed today as the world's sexiest women after white smoke was seen billowing from FHM towers. Makes you sick doesn't it? All these rich, beautiful people on our televisions. Why can't they make shows about normal people, like those great folk down at the DMV? Now that's drama.]]>