Horrifying Halloween Hook Up Stories
A wise woman (Buffy Summers) once described Halloween as “come as you aren't night. The perfect chance to get sexy and wild with no repercussions.”
But while we’re the last people to doubt the wisdom of history’s greatest fictional Vampire Slayer, we must respectfully call bullshit on this theory.
Sure, a costumed Halloween hook-up can be full of fun and careless abandon and kink you’d never try if you weren’t dressed like an extra from The Walking Dead. But sometimes, those who “get sexy and wild” end up doing a monstrous walk of shame the morning after with horror stories scarier than that one with the little girl who died 20 years ago.
Don’t believe us? We scoured the internet for proof…
“The door swung open. I will remember that moment for the rest of my life: Two friends standing over me, laughing in horror, while I, dressed as a fake pregnant Britney Spears, humped a hot pirate on the floor with the goddamn lights on. They still tease me about it.” (The Cut)
“I was dressed as Jeffrey Dahmer, which nobody should find sexy. I hope I took my fake moustache off before I kissed my hookup. I remember wanting to make a cannibalism joke when I ate her out. I hope I didn’t.” (The Cut)
"Met this girl at a party and we hit it off, flirting back and forth. She comes back to my place. We are down to our underwear and I go to reach for her panties, when out of no where she pulls up and says, "WOAH!!!!...What are you doing? I have a boyfriend!" I was speechless. I just told her to leave. Fucking weirdo." (Her Campus)
“I went as the Twitter Bird. A guy dressed as Super Mario pointed to a door and said, "I’m going to go in there. Meet me in five minutes." When I walked into the room I shouted, "It's-a-meee, Mario!" because I’m erotic like that. We hooked up there. Feathers. Everywhere. Like an avian crime scene.” (The Cut)
“I won my ex back that night. I bought a children's Tigger costume at Walmart. He was dressed as a dinosaur, and somewhere in that blur of pot smoke he said he was still in love with me. I don’t remember how I got out of the tiny Tigger costume, but I don’t think I wore it during sex. “ (The Cut)
“I was Pop of Snap, Crackle, and Pop. My hookup was Fred Flintstone. Fred’s roommate kept saying, ‘Hop on Pop, tap Snap, tackle Crackle,’ but we didn’t all find hookups that night. Crackle peed her leggings on her way back to the dorm.” (The Cut)
“I went as a game of Twister, and wore the spinner as a hat. Asking girls to spin the Twister board on top of your head is surprisingly effective. The hookup consisted of me being too drunk to get it up, her waking the house up anyway. I honestly didn’t do that much, she was just loud.” (The Cut)
“He was dressed as an ambiguous German youth, which, looking back on it, makes me kind of uncomfortable. But I really just went home with him because he had a car and I knew he would drive me home in the morning - so I wouldn’t have to do the walk or bus ride of shame.” (NY Post)
“I decided to make fun of goths: pale powder, black lipstick and eyeliner. I drank as many beers as he could pump, then followed him home and smeared my disgusting makeup all over him in a tiny twin bed. When I retired to the bathroom for a black-lipstick-tinged puke, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I had truly become a self-destructive goth train-wreck. Beware Halloween, make-believe is dangerous.” (The Cut)
“I was in a dark corner with a boy dressed as a girl. This was an issue, especially since he was actually wearing girl's jeans and his butt looked better in them than mine would have! Why were his jeans that tight?” (Seventeen)
Related: 25 Spooktacular Pun Halloween Costumes
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