21 Signs You're About To Get Dumped
1. Slips of the tongue
Good verbal communication is vital for any relationship to thrive, but sometimes it can be easy to miss the subtle suggestions that your S/O is having second thoughts.
For example, instead of complimenting your funny smile, they now rail off an exhaustive list of your flaws, and where they once whispered "I love you" in your ear, they might now scream "I don't love you anymore" in your face.
These virtually undectectable changes in attitude can indicate that your partner is feeling unhappy in the relationship, so remain attentive if they begin to drop these hints.
2. Incriminating Google searches
'I am so lonely', 'how to get out of a rut', 'does okcupid work?', 'okcupid', 'how to keep affair secret' and 'divorce lawyers.'
In isolation, these entries in their search history might appear innocuous enough, but when taken in combination, they are a potential red flag, so be wary.
3. They cry before, during and after intercourse
Now this may well be your partner's modus operandi for all sex, and have absolutely nothing to do with feelings of resignation, misery and disgust. Do seek clarification at various intervals during the act.
4. They cry whenever you mention your future together
Here it's possible they might be crying tears of happiness and anticipation, instead of those of abject dread and despair. An easy way to distinguish is to note whether or not they are smiling, or pounding their head and fists against a wall.
5. They keep staring out of the window and sighing, wistfully
On the one hand, they might be sighing at particularly pleasant weather, or at that ephemeral joy of feeling alive. On the other, it might be because a prospective suitor has just walked past and they're fantasising about a life without you.
6. They start having a lot of work in the office that requires them to stay late
It's very easy to become overly paranoid here. Fortnight-long shifts, month-long conferences and coming home with colleagues' underwear in suitcases are all perfectly normal by-products of the working environment in our experience.
7. They have intercourse with your best friend
Definitely seek to ascertain all the facts here. They may well have innocently mistaken your best friend for you, or spent the entire time imagining your best friend was you. To be on the safe side, demand a blow-by-blow account and a vivid reconstruction (provided your best friend is willing.)
8. They no longer show any interest in your rubber band ball collection
Where they once remarked "that's nice" when you showed them Mr Bando, the mega ball comprised of 5,400 bands, they now keep trying to change the subject and saying "look, we need to talk." A loss of interest in Mr Bando could indicate a loss of interest in the relationship, so make sure to persistently remind them of all of Mr Bando's best qualities.
9. They don't want to talk about your rubber band ball during the funeral of one of their relatives
Where they once remarked "that's nice" when you told them about the joblot of bands you'd found free-on-collection on Gumtree, they now keep trying to shush you and cursing you under their breath.
10. They actively try and destroy your rubber band ball collection (or other such meaningful possessions)
This is just bizarre behaviour. Demand answers.
11. They stop sleeping in your bed
This could be due to your insufferable snoring, or having a particularly small bed. But it could also be because they find you repugnant. A tricky one.
12. They start spending a lot of time at their best friend's house
Everyone loves going round their friend's house, especially if it's their best one. However, if they take indefinite residence there and said best friend keeps insisting they are, in fact, not there, even though you can quite clearly see them through the window, then you should start to get a little worried.
13. They move out
There is a lot of nuance involved in the process of 'moving out.' They could be temporarily moving out because they're on the run from the cops, or permanently moving out because they can no longer stand to be around you. Don't jump to any hasty conclusions.
14. They change their Facebook relationship status to 'single'
Alarm bells might be ringing here, but beware, it's just as possible that one of their friends could be pulling a funny prank. If this change lasts longer than a few weeks, send them another request. If they decline, then it might well not be a joke, but you still can't rule out the possibility that it's just their friends are pulling yet another funny prank.
15. They ceremonially burn all your holiday photos in a bin
Physical media can be a burden, a clutter in the homeplace, and the detoriation of the images over time might be sullying their memories of those magical days back when. They could be trying to preserve the feeling for as long as possible by not tying it to a corruptible form. They could also be trying to expunge you from their history.
16. They change all of their contact addresses
They might have simultaneously forgotten the password to their email, broken their phone and be in transit between residences. Or they never want to speak to you again. Difficult to judge.
17. They take a job working on an oil rig
It's easy to see this as bae looking to get as far away from you as possible by following one of the most notoriously dangerous lines of work going, but you're leaving very little room for the possibility that it could be a romantic gesture and that they could be trying to impress you with their daring.
18. They refuse to speak to you for over three years
Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it's only natural that two lovers will fall out from time to time. However, if they hold a grudge for this long, it's an ominous sign that you're for the chop.
19. They deny being your partner when you introduce yourself to their parents three years later
This can be easily explained by the temporary onset of transient global amnesia. Or it could be because they are planning to break up with you and just haven't told you yet.
20. They introduce someone else as their partner to their parents in front of you
Again, plain-old innocent transient global amnesia could be the root cause here, especially if this imposter partner looks a bit like you. Alternatively, it could be because they're planning to dump you and elope with someone else. Be on red alert here.
21. They say "no" when you propose to them during their wedding with aforementioned 'new partner'
Unlucky pal, looks like you're about to get dumped. Commiserations.
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