The Weirdest Things Men Have Stuck Their "Aubergine Emojis" In
So. Much. Ham.
Josh Pappenheim
Thursday, August 3, 2017 - 11:16
SEX!
Now I have your attention, let's talk about jacking it.
For a lot of men out there, options for getting yourself off are pretty limited. Sure, you could get a... Fleshlight, but do you ~really~ want to be that guy? No. No you do not.
> WATCH: Ashley Wants To Know About Sex
So, in their frustration, a lot of men have developed ~unconventional~ desires to stick their dicks in places they REALLY don't belong. These intrepid explorers, nay, sexual conquistadors, are boldly going where no man has gone before. Like this guy who had to get his todger amputated for trying to fuck a plastic bottle.
So we took a look through a recent AskReddit thread to find some other weird things men have shoved themselves in to get that bang...
Weird Things Men Have Stuck Their Members In
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There aren't that many socially acceptable sex toys for men, so sometimes they turn to... unusual methods for release. Like the 50-year-old Honduran man who tried to fuck a water bottle (and ended up having it amputated)... Don't do this, seriously. -
"Used a banana. My dick smelled like banana for a few weeks." - AskReddit. -
"I fucked a peanut-butter jar." "Using jelly. Not KY. Smucker’s. With the jar." - AskReddit. Together these two lads made a pretty good sandwich. -
"Cut a cactus open and went to town, no injuries." - AskReddit -
"Worked in a bakery. Once bread dough is mixed, it’s left to rise. I went into the cold room, punched a hole into the dough, lubed it with some water and put my dick in it." - AskReddit -
"Stuck my dick between the toilet lid and seat and “fucked it” when I was like 15. Incredibly painful and unsexy. Still came though." - AskReddit -
"Rabbit fur, rabbit fur and an old Scooby Doo doll. Yeah that was a weird time in my life." - AskReddit. -
"I got a bloody nose for some random reason. Either way, it was a gusher. So there I am, having just got ready to take a shower, but now was covered in blood. I thought "this blood is a bit slippery..." - AskReddit. -
"In between the cushions of the pleather couch in my living room, almost every day from age 13-14. Used cocoa lotion." - AskReddit. -
"I’d fuck the kitchen counter. it was smooth marble so I’d just put lube around it and start fucking it. It was amazing." - AskReddit. TBF there's nothing we like more than some hard, glistening marble. -
"I tried to fashion a vagina out of a rubber glove, a toilet paper roll, and some hand soap. It didn’t work well. I was left with a very sore dick." - AskReddit. JFC men. -
"Took a plastic bag, put two slices of ham on each side and filled it with soapy water. Put it under my parents’ mattress. I was young and expected it to be a good simulation. I was way off and am now very embarrassed." - AskReddit. -
"I slid my member past the flakey goodness and into the turkey gravy encased. Never again, just never, never again…" - AskReddit. Less American Pie, more American Why. HAHAHAHAHAHA GEDDIT!? -
"Don’t judge me too hard. My mom gave me a Teddy bear when I was a kid, it [got] a hole in the back of its neck and I’d stick my 13-year-old penis in there and fucking shake that bear. My shame. I later burned it after 1 last sympathy fuck." - AskReddit. -
"Bought a Fleshlight. Used it couple of times, almost all the time blowing inside. I forget to clean it after I’m done. I finished my business as usual and looked inside. It was filled with some black looking mold. The top was all black and it was hard." -
"I was in the shower and felt the urge to do something, anything, I hear it’s supposed to be great. What to do though? When you have sex you stick it in the girl right? So I decided to try putting my member in the conditioner bottle." - AskReddit. -
"I decided to switch it up once and tried toothpaste instead. It has those little flavor crystals in it and it buuuuuuurned my cock so bad. My whole family was in the next room, so I had a silent, agonizing freakout in the shower." - AskReddit. -
One particularly unlucky wanker tried to jack it after washing a ghost chili sauce-covered plate, and let's just say it was a pretty hot affair. -
"I once built a set of gears that would move in and out by hand crank. I put a sandwich bag with hand lotion between 2 sponges that I rubber banded together and jammed in an empty Pringles can. The can was attached to the gears." - AskReddit. -
"I found instructions on how to make a homemade Fleshlight. Basically you cut marshmallows in half and stick them to a cup and just fuck it. At first it’s amazing... but then they start to melt..." - AskReddit. Pretty messy tbh. -
"When I was about 13 my neighbor was really good looking & I was over at her house to watch cartoons and do the normal 13-year-old stuff. I went into her bathroom and saw one of her open toed heels and put my member into the hole and humped." - AskReddit. -
"And I thought trying to fuck my sister’s life-size Barbie was weird…you guys are the weirdos!" - AskReddit
Josh Pappenheim - @papsby
Related: Homemade Sex Toys To Get You Hot Under The Collar
Homemade Sex Toys To Get You Hot Under The Collar
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The nice thing about the magnetic clips is that you can use the magnets to attach a little bit of weight, or you can stick your sub’s tits to the fridge. -
We kid you not, the description says: "It might be a challenge to get the blunt knob to go in, but once it does, you can celebrate your “Great Job!” Get an inkpad and you can sit and stamp." -
You can use this in place of a crop, flogger, or slapper to smack your partner’s ass. But who the fuck cares, BECAUSE IT LIGHTS UP. -
Next up, this fantastically resourceful, low-budget 'f*** chair' - no, your eyes don't decieve you, that is a bin bag with a hole in it. Actual instructions: '1x large (30 gallon) heavy-duty trash bag (the new “stretchy” kind) works best. *Shudder* -
Each traffic cone is imprinted with words of encouragement, like “Excellent Work!” “Perfect!” and “Fabulous!” to keep you motivated to reach your goal. -
"Many a woman first lost her virginity to a hairbrush handle." THIS IS WHAT IT SAYS. IT ACTUALLY SAYS THIS. -
"This creation was inspired by a reader who suggested inserting a cucumber dildo into a melon base so it could be "ridden". We've gone one better and added vibration and a second ridged cucumber for clit or anal stimulation." Well, well. -
"One of nature’s perfect dildos – but now it won’t squish or get overripe. This faux fruit is realistically sized, made of plastic covered styrofoam, and it makes part of an attractive display on your counter or coffee table." They're not wrong. -
"Those ridges on the rubberized thumb grip are placed just right for hitting the G-spot. We also found some tire scrubbers in the auto section with curved handles that would be great for prostate massage." -
Here we have the 'Fun In The Sun' beach pail, or as we call it over in the UK, a bucket. Good lord. You will need: 1x child-sized water wing inflatable armband, 1x sunscreen or lotion, 1x small bucket. -
What an opening sentence: "Here's what you need: a toy laser sword with a retractable blade, a brightly colored clear jelly dildo, a utility knife, and a mini LED flashlight." -
"Refill the bucket with popcorn to conceal your secret pocket pussy. Bring along some tissues and individual packets of lube. Then sit back and enjoy the show!" -
Every Halloween millions of pumpkins go to waste, tossed away like cheap trash. However, with a little creativity, that seemingly innocent pumpkin can become one hot sex toy. -
Just don't forget to empty the crisps out first. -
Tickly little tentacles, s'all we're saying. -
Don't pretend those infomercials don't give you ideas. -
IMPORTANT: "To reuse the mould, wash both halves with soap and water and allow to dry. The seam will need to be resealed for each use."
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