The Weirdest Things Men Have Stuck Their "Aubergine Emojis" In
Josh Pappenheim
SEX!
Now I have your attention, let's talk about jacking it.
For a lot of men out there, options for getting yourself off are pretty limited. Sure, you could get a... Fleshlight, but do you ~really~ want to be that guy? No. No you do not.
> WATCH: Ashley Wants To Know About Sex
So, in their frustration, a lot of men have developed ~unconventional~ desires to stick their dicks in places they REALLY don't belong. These intrepid explorers, nay, sexual conquistadors, are boldly going where no man has gone before. Like this guy who had to get his todger amputated for trying to fuck a plastic bottle.
So we took a look through a recent AskReddit thread to find some other weird things men have shoved themselves in to get that bang...
Josh Pappenheim - @papsby
Related: Homemade Sex Toys To Get You Hot Under The Collar
Homemade Sex Toys To Get You Hot Under The Collar
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The nice thing about the magnetic clips is that you can use the magnets to attach a little bit of weight, or you can stick your sub’s tits to the fridge. -
We kid you not, the description says: "It might be a challenge to get the blunt knob to go in, but once it does, you can celebrate your “Great Job!” Get an inkpad and you can sit and stamp." -
You can use this in place of a crop, flogger, or slapper to smack your partner’s ass. But who the fuck cares, BECAUSE IT LIGHTS UP. -
Next up, this fantastically resourceful, low-budget 'f*** chair' - no, your eyes don't decieve you, that is a bin bag with a hole in it. Actual instructions: '1x large (30 gallon) heavy-duty trash bag (the new “stretchy” kind) works best. *Shudder* -
Each traffic cone is imprinted with words of encouragement, like “Excellent Work!” “Perfect!” and “Fabulous!” to keep you motivated to reach your goal. -
"Many a woman first lost her virginity to a hairbrush handle." THIS IS WHAT IT SAYS. IT ACTUALLY SAYS THIS. -
"This creation was inspired by a reader who suggested inserting a cucumber dildo into a melon base so it could be "ridden". We've gone one better and added vibration and a second ridged cucumber for clit or anal stimulation." Well, well. -
"One of nature’s perfect dildos – but now it won’t squish or get overripe. This faux fruit is realistically sized, made of plastic covered styrofoam, and it makes part of an attractive display on your counter or coffee table." They're not wrong. -
"Those ridges on the rubberized thumb grip are placed just right for hitting the G-spot. We also found some tire scrubbers in the auto section with curved handles that would be great for prostate massage." -
Here we have the 'Fun In The Sun' beach pail, or as we call it over in the UK, a bucket. Good lord. You will need: 1x child-sized water wing inflatable armband, 1x sunscreen or lotion, 1x small bucket. -
What an opening sentence: "Here's what you need: a toy laser sword with a retractable blade, a brightly colored clear jelly dildo, a utility knife, and a mini LED flashlight." -
"Refill the bucket with popcorn to conceal your secret pocket pussy. Bring along some tissues and individual packets of lube. Then sit back and enjoy the show!" -
Every Halloween millions of pumpkins go to waste, tossed away like cheap trash. However, with a little creativity, that seemingly innocent pumpkin can become one hot sex toy. -
Just don't forget to empty the crisps out first. -
Tickly little tentacles, s'all we're saying. -
Don't pretend those infomercials don't give you ideas. -
IMPORTANT: "To reuse the mould, wash both halves with soap and water and allow to dry. The seam will need to be resealed for each use."
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