What's on now
The Office
Michael Scott: It's simply beyond words. It's incalculacable.
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[Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.
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Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
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Jim Halpert: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
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Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.
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Michael Scott: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people. The *people*. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no, no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Scott, will you be the Godfather to my child?" Wow. *Wow.* Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
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Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
Pam Beesley: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might...
[pauses]
Pam Beesley: Its just, I don't think it's many girls' dream to be a receptionist.
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Michael Scott: You'll notice, I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended. But I just thought, "too soon" for Arabs, maybe next year. You know, the ball's in their court.
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Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.
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Michael Scott: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.
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Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
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Dwight Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
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Pam Beesley: The thing about Jim is... when he's excited about something- like the Office Olympics- he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here so... that hardly ever happens.
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Phyllis: [the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island] The DaVinci Code.
Angela: The DaVinci Code. I would bring The DaVinci Code. So I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah right, that would keep you warm for like 7 seconds.
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Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good.
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Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
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Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott: Wow, that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive?
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Michael Scott: I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations.
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Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead.
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Pam Beesley: There's nothing new.
Michael Scott: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam Beesley: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before?
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Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist.
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Jan Levinson-Gould: Some times a manager - like yourself - has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, when have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now, to you.
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Michael Scott: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
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Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.
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Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
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Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
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Pam Beesley: [about the office awards the Dundees] You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
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Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.
[smiles]
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Dwight Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
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Jim Halpert: Michael stands in front of the boat and says he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.
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Michael Scott: Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam. And me.
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Jim Halpert: I want to clamp Michael's *face* in a George Foreman grill.
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Michael Scott: You may look around, and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
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Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters, my maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. He killed twenty men and then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp... My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life... different kind of fight.
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Michael Scott: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
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Michael Scott: That's what *she* said.
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