11 Tips For the Ecuadorian Ambassador to get Julian Assange Out of his House
Tip 1: Buy red milk
It’s watery and tasteless. No one likes red milk.
Tip 2: Get really ill
The more contagious-looking, the better.
Tip 3: Talk behind his back
Being bitchy should create enough of an awkwardly tense environment for him to know what the dealio is.
Tip 4: 'Accidently' ruin his stuff
“Accidently” put his white shirts in a wash with the Ecuadorian football team’s red socks. "Accidently" breaking his favourite ‘Sports Direct’ mug would also work.
Tip 5: Have Top Gear on 24/7
Having Clarkson and those other two dated muppets bleeting away all day is the DEFCON 1 of ejecting an overstayer.
Tip 6: Have a lot of loud parties
Overly-social housemates are annoying. This is a quick, fun, and effective method of flushing him out.
Tip 7: Filter his internet
Putting a safety filter on his internet should wind him up enough to leave. LOL.
Tip 8: Inception a Poltergeist
Subtly inception the idea of a poltergeist so he believes it himself and leaves out of fear. REF: Watch ‘Inception’ for inceptioning technique and watch ‘Poltergeist’ for poltergeisting effect.
Tip 9: Learn an instrument
As an Ecuadorian, the Ambassador would probably be best to pick up some pan pipes. Fun for him to play, but annoying enough for Julian to have to listen to. Result!
Tip 10: Pet snakes
Get the non-poisonous, scary-looking ones.
Tip 11: Become a stoner
Nobody wants to be living with skeevy stoners. Buy a few ounces of Moroccan black (07926 554 060 – ask for Dribble) and get locked into your sofa. Wait 3 days and your problem should be sorted.
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