75 Thoughts I Had When Watching Game Of Thrones For The First Time
Hello everyone. My name’s Amy and I’m a Game Of Thrones virgin.
Phew. They say admission is the hardest part, and tbh I already feel better for getting that off my chest.
For five years, I’ve avoided watercooler catch ups about dragons, (red?) weddings, incest and some badass bitch called Khaleesi (the Khaleesi? A Khaleesi? Literally no idea m8).
The time has finally come to end my blissful ignorance, according to my GOT-obsessed colleagues - and they’ve decided the best way to break me in is by forcing me to watch Episode 9, Series 6: Battle Of The Bastards. They needed nothing more than that title to seduce me: I was in, so to speak.
Here’s 75 thoughts I had while watching Battle of the Bastards:
1. Nice intro. I mean, they’ve definitely nicked this idea off J.K Rowling’s Marauder’s Map, but fuck it, she’s rich enough as it is. Mischief managed, indeed
2. Explosions. Ball of fire. Well that was predictable
3. Ooh there’s that blonde lady I always see in the news, alongside “SPOILER ALERT/NSFW/BOOBIES” etc etc etc. Nice hair, good dress
4. She’s British?
5. The dwarf man is also British?
6. Definitely thought GOT was American, great start Amy, great start
7. Marine [Meereen, I'm later told - close enough] cannot succeed, no one needs a master. They’ve lost me, they’ve already lost me, shit
8. Blonde lady’s going to merk someone. Small man not happy. They’re talking about burning citizens. Jamie sounds vaguely hot, whoever he is
8. That explosion scared the shit out of me, this is not good for my nerves
9. This dude wears more eyeliner than me
10. Where are they getting all this make up from tho
11. Isn’t that girl with the awesome afro from children’s telly, she’s doing well for herself isn't she, where is she from, that’s going to drive me nuts, also nice dress/skirt combo
12. I want a pet dragon *so* much
13. Ngl, this is quite epic. Blonde lady doing more for feminism than Harriet Harman and her pink bus ever could
14. Blood everywhere horses everywhere heads everywhere some sort of battle happening
15. Pirate ship? Who are these dudes?
16. Never mind, everyone’s on fire
17. Man with subtitles [Grey Worm, I'm later told - yay, names!] friends with that girl from TV = super hot
18. Dwarf = also super hot
19. WHAT TV SHOW IS THAT GIRL FROM, IT IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT
20. Begging for mercy slave cities something something small man threatening eyeliner man to live by the grace of her Majesty, remind them what happened with Daenerys (I Googled the spelling) came to Meereen - OK so we’re in a place called Meereen? And blonde lady is Daenerys. Got it
21. TINY GINGER GIRL…. AND JON SNOW, I KNOW THIS ONE, IT’S JON SNOW AND HE IS ALIVE!! I’ve been wondering about that whole thing
22. OMG THAT IS THE FIT WEIRDO FROM MISFITS THIS IS EXCELLENT
23. Is he a prince? He wants to be ‘King Of Winterfell’ and doesn’t want a fight. ‘I am a man of mercy’. Seems fair
24. Jon Snow in agreement.** Things are looking good. Phwoar, that coat looks warm
25. Someone just threw a… bear’s (?)* head on the floor?
26. I’m taking the ginger girl’s side. I get the feeling Misfits boy did something bad to her and us rangas gotta stick together [I'm ginger, obvi]
27. Misfits boy is talking about feeding Jon Snow’s balls to his dogs, cool
28. Jon Snow and pals planning tomorrow’s fight. Someone just dropped the C-bomb, brilliant
29. Jon Snow SHOULD play with broomsticks. Is that another Harry Potter reference? J.K mate, you should sue these people
30. Small ginger girl and Jon arguing about a black fish
31. Misfits boy definitely did bad things to small ginger girl, this is awful, Jon Snow, you better finish that douchebag
32. Two old men standing in the dark, C-bomb again, Jon Snow’s not the King (he is definitely mine), sour goat’s milk = alcohol? Someone just said ‘Southern twats’, someone else said ‘shitting my guts out’, this is hilarious***
33. ‘I am not your servant, Jon Snow’ - dark-haired lady who doesn’t know what’s good for her
34. Guessing this is the bird responsible for sorting Jon out when he nearly died? Nice one babes I got the feeling people were quite worried
35. Old man has found a deer toy in the snow, sad music, I'm missing a reference, damnit
36. Is Winterfell a Game Of Thrones nightclub? No one can shut up about it and everything interesting seems to happen there
37. The ‘Stark boys’ are dead, this is a big deal. HANG ON, THAT IS DEFINITELY LILY ALLEN’S BROTHER. ALFIE ALLEN IS IN GAME OF THRONES? WTF IS ANYTHING ANYMORE
38. Alfie Allen’s sister says some dude wants to give Daenerys his big cock. Phewf
39. Daenerys making friends with Alfie’s sister, ‘no more raping’, yay feminism
40. That is not how you do a handshake. PS, totally just detected a frisson, is Daenerys gay? I'm pretty sure she's gay. They should call it Gay-me of Thrones, amiright?
41. BATTLE TIME. Giant man with penis nose on Jon Snow’s side, this I’m glad of
42. Cute curly haired boy nearly got the chop, now Misfits boy is making him run to Jon Snow, oh god, they have arrows, I hate this
43. COME ON JON FFS!!
44. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Literally just jumped out of my skin, boss sitting next to me who hasn’t seen this episode yet is covering her eyes, this is absolutely terrible
45. War, war, just full on war
46. I hope penis nose giant gets Misfits boy real good
47. Kind of looks like Jon Snow’s given up. No, no, he’s going to fight. God this is insanely hot, literally who would fight at that point.
48. This is so stressful, when is Daenerys gonna come and fuck shit up?
49. I don’t like it
50. So many dead horses
51. So many arrows
52. So many dead everything
53. So unrealistic that Jon Snow is still alive at this point, but I’ll go with it
54. NOW Jon’s army get involved?
55. It’s all gone quiet and everyone’s got their shields out, now their swords, they’re in a circle, this is fucking brutal, did shit like this actually used to happen in The Old Days?****
56. Blood squirt blood squirt heads ripped off blood squirt intestines blood squirt death blood squirt*****
57. How can they tell which team is theirs? They should wear stickers
58. Squirming bodies, everyone’s choking in a giant circle of death, ginger dude’s being headbutted, I think that’s the end of him, I actually feel a bit unwell tbh
59. Scrap that, he’s fine, he bit the bloke’s throat off, because of course he did
60. Tiny ginge is back, army are going around the outside setting people free, evil Misfits boy has run off, Jon Snow, penis nose giant and hard nut ginger man are somehow catching up on foot, this is dumb.
61. Penis giant has broken into Misfits boy’s castle, he’s being pelted with arrows, upsetting
62. One through the eye, bang, he’s dead. Fuck's sake, I liked that guy. Misfits boy, what a c*nt
63. YES JON SNOW PUNCH HIM TIL HE’S DEAD!
64. 'TIL HE IS DEAD!
65. 'TIL HE IS PULP!
66. 'TIL HE IS DEAD PULP!!
67. Nope still alive, just. Aren’t you going to finish him off?
68. THE CASTLE IS THEIRS, WAR AND MURDER PREVAILS! Yay?
69. OK you’re keeping him hostage. Little ginger popping in to say hi, hopefully to cut his dick off
70. “You can’t kill me, I’m part of you now” - what a mangy lil cretin
71. She could do with some chapstick, mind
72. La la la la la la she’s setting his own dogs on him, la la la la la hope it hurts
73. Sniff sniff sniff, slurp slurp slurp gargle BLARGHHHHH
74. *CRUNCH* See ya, dickwad
75. This programme is brutal. I'm emotional. I'm exhausted. I FUCKING LOVE IT. Five years I've managed to avoid this TV heroin, and NOW I decide to get involved, having spoiled SIX SEASONS FOR MYSELF?! This is the best worst day ever. If anyone knows that TV show that girl in the blue outfit is from, @ me pls: @amyeverett1190.
*(Whenever ‘then’ is?).
**Colleague later explains this is a wolf. Too sad.
***I bet these people smell so bad, god bless 2016.
****Rethinking Glastonbury right now, mud is so gross, people are so gross, I want to go home.
*****Srsly can I get a refund on my Glasto tickets tho.
Related: The Cast Of Game Of Thrones - Then And Now
The Cast Of Game Of Thrones: Then And Now
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