8 Things You'll Only Understand If You’re A Brit In Hot Weather
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Remove all clothes from body before sleeping.
It’s fucking hot and entirety of Britain has gone batshit.
Everyone is melting. You rue the day you didn’t buy that fan from Argos in March even though *every year* you say you’ll do it before it sells out but you don’t. No one has a thin enough bed sheet. Screw the bed sheet - no one can get more naked than naked. Open windows seems to make it hotter. Every 12 seconds you need to re-peel yourself off your bed. Your office somehow can’t turn the heating off (?). People are consuming 99 Flakes every 40 minutes in order to keep the temperature down. EVERYONE IN AMERICA IS LAUGHING AT YOU BUT THEY JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.
IT IS TOO WARM IN BRITAIN. THE SWANS HAVE MELTED. ICE CREAM TRUCKS ARE NOW MAD MAX STYLE ATTACK VEHICLES. PEOPLE USE PIMMS AS CURRENCY
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) June 18, 2017
We understand you.
1. Sleep is literally a thing of the past.
Honestly, you could be lying in the south of France right now and you’d probably be cooler. How is it 1am and your room is still sweltering? Body, sheet and mattress become indistinguishable. For the love of God break up with anyone you are planning on sharing a bed with.
2. Your sweating becomes socially unacceptable.
There’s sweating and then there’s sweating. Like, permanently moist forehead. Beads of sweat running down your back that confuse you momentarily until you remember you are Niagra Falls incarnate. Your colleague shifts just slightly away from you. How many times can you apply deodorant before it stops working? Where did that pool of water come from?
3. It suddenly becomes necessary - nay, crucial to your survival - to consume ice cream at all times.
Breakfast? Ice lolly. Lunch? Cornetto. Afternoon break? Mr. Whippy. Dinner? A four course meal consisting entirely of Magnum variations.
4. Public Transport will be your death.
You walk on the tube and before you can notice the intense settling of boiling hot air, the doors quickly shut around you. You knees becomes weak. You try to grab onto the pole but it has become lubricated by the sweat of thousands of commuters. You reach for your water only to have the man next to you gasp. “Waaaaterrrrr,” he cries, his voice gravelly from two stops on the Bakerloo line.
5. You have to spend hours deliberating what is appropriate for work that won’t leave you entirely drenched in sweat.
How much nipple is too much nipple? Is this skirt airy or just half way up my bum? Can I turn up in a linen poncho and hope no one notices?
6. Pale people will not stop talking about being pale.
Shut up we get it you burn.
7. Everyone in a hotter country needs to inform you how your hot country is literally nothing compared to theirs.
“Oh, it’s hot in the UK is it? Well here in Florida we get 65 degree heat and our dogs melt.”
“Don’t know why you’re complaining Brits. If your washing hasn’t spontaneously combusted then how hot can it really be?”
“I have returned from the dead after being incinerated by the sun in Cairo to tell you that you’re all wimps and you should stop complaining”
8. Suncream becomes the most valuable commodity.
Don’t even think about pulling out a bottle of that golden factor 50 in a park because a mother will murder you for it and use your hollowed-out carcass to shade her two-year-old.
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