CC INVESTIGATES: Is There Any Crisp That Doesn’t Work In A Sandwich?
I ate 11 crisp sandwiches. I sat at work and carefully constructed 11 different crisp sandwiches, each with fillings that posed the question: is this going to be weird and disgusting or are crisps so profoundly delicious that sandwiched between two soft baps any variety will work?Well, this is exactly what I wanted to know. The humble crisp sandwich is staple of British cuisine, akin to the Sunday roast or that weird trifle your gran always makes even though no one’s going to eat it because it’s not fucking 1972 is it gran???? Despite its leading role in the British collective food memory, could there be *gasp* the possibility that a certain type of crisp did not suit the warm, buttery embrace of a bread roll? This is what we set to find out, and let me tell you - 11 sandwiches later, lying in a daze of carbs and salt - we knew the answer.
But first, the contestants. We weren’t going to try your run of the mill Salt & Vinegar walkers okay? We’re better than that. None of your bloody Ready Salted here. They’re shit anyway.
Texas BBQ Pringles
Prawn Cocktail Walkers
Flame Grilled Steak McCoys
Sainsbury’s own brand Frazzles
The Salt & Vinegar Chip Stick Things
A bit stale Cheese Doritos that I accidentally got from the discount section
Balsamic Vinegar Kettle Chips
Thai Sweet Chilli Sensations
How did they fare?
The set up included one generic white bread roll, lovingly spread with butter. Good, salt-of-the-earth, no frills crisp sandwiches.
Bacon FrazzlesDeceptively good, but also not good because you think you’re going in for a bacon sandwich and then you get a crispy-almost-cardboady surprise that just disappoints. I haven’t eaten a bacon sandwich in over two years and I still cried a little inside. 5/10 for the betrayal.
Texas BBQ Pringles:Although in normal circumstances these crisps might be considered one of the most delicious flavor, in a bap, their shape becomes almost deadly. Brave be the woman who will confidently bite down on a rigid, angular potato weapon disguising itself as a crisp. Not worth having to explain to everyone why you’re not eating because you speared the top of your mouth with a pringle sandwich. Flavour was a bit weird too. Wouldn’t eat BBQ sauce in a sandwich. 3/10.
Prawn Cocktail Walkers:This is kind of cheating because I think walkers have secretly created their crisps to have the perfect consistency when placed within a bap, which is why they are usually touted as the front runners for a good crisps sandwich. Fine to mediocre on the flavour front. 7/10
Thai Sweet Chilli SensationsWith a thick, weighty texture and a complex, spicy flavour, this crisp is a delight to the discerning crisp sandwich eater’s palate. 8/10 would recommend.
Prawn CrackersLet’s not get into a conversation about whether these count as crisps. I refuse to believe that a light, deep-fried crispy thing flavoured with a magical dust is anything but a crisp and if you disagree then you can read 1000 words on crisps somewhere else, frankly. And don’t even try and argue that because they’ve got crackers in the name that means they’re crackers because quite obviously they’re not crackers.
Good, now we’re on the same page, I would like to tell you how absolutely incredible prawn crackers are in a buttered bap. The texture is perfect - both soft and fluffy, yet crisp and weight-y. The flavours are delicious mainly because prawn crackers are just really nice. So pure. So perfect. 9/10 this beauty is not to be missed.
Flame Grilled Steak McCoysDespite the fact that these crisps are literally only for those insecure about their masculinity, they worked pretty well in a sandwich. Their thick, corrugated form makes for a good bite, and the steak flavour holds its own within a sandwich. Maybe you’ve put some moisturiser on and you mate saw you, or you just felt like listening to that Carly Rae Jepson album one more time okay? If so, would recommend one of these whilst spraying lynx and eating a Yorkie. 8/10 brah.
QuaversTOO CURLY TO PUT IN MOUTH IT JUST DID NOT WORK. Like herding cats. But crisps. Cheese was fine if dull. 4/10.
Slightly stale cheese DoritosLet me level with you here. I actually wanted the Chilli Heatwave crisps but I couldn’t find a small enough packet, and then I just forgot and got the cheese ones because they were the only ones in a weird middle size and were sort of abandoned on a shelf with other crisps displaced from multipacks with a “30p” sticker scrawled on them. Honestly, I felt a bit sorry for it. I can tell you though that it did not make a good crisp sandwich because the cheese is weird and the crisps were kind of hard but also soft at the same time. 2/10 (sorry).
Salt & Vinegar stick thingsThis is the note I made for this one: Tbf, it was the last sandwich I ate and was feeling pretty ill by this point, so my judgement may have been clouded by my overwhelming desire to vom. I think it says “nah”? 5/10.
Posh Ones (aka Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips)Good if you feel a little self-conscious making a crisp sandwich next to an Aga or you earn over £50K. 8/10.
WotsitsOkay here we go. Here we fucking go. If you wanted to have an answer to your question, here it is. Wotsits are NOT good in a bap. They become this sort of weird cheese dust that Indiscernibly blends with the bread to the point where bread and crisp become indistinguishable. There is no texture. There is no substance. What is bread? What is corn puff? Where am I? Why have I just eaten 11 crisp sandwiches? ZERO OUT OF TEN
THE ONE WITH ROSS' SANDWICH:
19 FLAVOURS OF CRISPS THAT ARE A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY:
19 Flavours Of Crisps That Are A Crime Against Humanity
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