We Translated that Donald Trump Press Conference SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
You’ve probably just tuned Trump out by now (we can’t blame you) but if you haven't, his press conference yesterday was 10/10 cray. It just, did not make sense. To make this whole politics thing a little easier, here is what we *think* he was saying.
What he said: "To be honest, I inherited a mess. It’s a mess. At home and abroad, a mess... I just want to let you know, I inherited a mess.”
Translation: I have literally no clue about the vast and complicated implications of the job I am about to undertake for four years please send help.
What he said: “Number one, I am the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Number two, racism, the least racist person.”
Translation: Oh balls they're on to me. Better go full offence and say I am literally the least racist person to ever exist ever [sweating].
What he said: “The press has become so dishonest that if we don’t talk about, we are doing a tremendous disservice to the American people. Tremendous disservice. We have to talk to find out what’s going on, because the press honestly is out of control. The level of dishonesty is out of control.”
Translation: WHEN WILL THE NEWS COVER THE REAL STORIES OF TODAY, HUH? WHERE’S YOUR FRONT PAGE ON, LIKE, HOW GOOD LOOKING MY DAUGHTER IS OR HOW IMPORTANT I AM? WHAT DAY IS IT? WHERE AM I?
What he said: “We got 306 [votes] because people came out and voted like they’ve never seen before so that’s the way it goes. I guess it was the biggest Electoral College win since Ronald Reagan.”
Translation: This assertion is patently false but I mean shit, I can’t remember what’s real and what’s not anymore so why even try.
What he said: “You know what uranium is, right? This thing called nuclear weapons like lots of things are done with uranium including some bad things.”
Translation: As far as I am aware, uranium is the thing that gets stuck to Homer Simpson in the opening credits to The Simpsons. This outstanding television show has also lead me to understand that uranium is - now stop me if I’m wrong - bad. I can’t quite explain to you what it does - I’m aware it glows green, yes and is rod shaped, but look - all you need to know is that uranium = bad.
What he said: [In response to a question about meeting the Congressional Black Caucus] "Do you want to set up the meeting? Do you want to set up the meeting? Are they friends of yours? Let’s go set up a meeting. I would love to meet with the black caucus. I think it’s great, the congressional black caucus."
Translation: I am innately suspicious of black people and also I have literally no idea what the CBC is. But all black people know each other, right? They have special meetings and stuff so like, this person can set up a meeting. Do they not remember that I am the least racist person to exist? Quick - say the CBC is great to make it seem like you know what it is. Nailed it.
What he said: “Well the leaks are real. You’re the one that wrote about them and reported them, I mean the leaks are real. You know what they said, you saw it and the leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake.”
Translation: If I say 'fake' and 'real' enough times in the wrong context I *might* just be able to confuse them. Should I do some jazz hands? Would that be overdoing it?
What he said: “Tomorrow, they will say, ‘Donald Trump rants and raves at the press.’ I’m not ranting and raving. I’m just telling you. You know, you’re dishonest people. But — but I’m not ranting and raving. I love this. I’m having a good time doing it.”
Translation: I am currently very uncomfortable in this specific situation where I will be challenged on my views in public which will then in turn be reported. I also quite enjoy saying the words “ranting and raving” over and over again.
THESE ANTI-TRUMP #MUSLIMBAN PROTEST SIGNS COULDN'T BE MORE BRITISH
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