9 Reasons To Love England Even Though We're 100% Gonna Fail The World Cup

Anticipating a shameful World Cup result? These facts will (maybe) restore your faith...

1. Great Weather

Thought our weather was drab, rainy and unexciting? Well think again, bucko. England has the most tornadoes per area per year (0.14 per 1000 km²). Exhilarating or what? 

2. No Disease

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Dang, those tornadoes make England seem a scary place to live, huh? England has the potential for the lowest disease burden in the world (years of life lost to death and lived with disability) which means old Blighty is actually safe as hell. Shame the English rugby team’s abysmal efforts at the World Cup are a plague on both our houses and hearts, a fetid rotten abscess that we just have to live with.

3. Bolder, Better, Bigger

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Feeling smug about the health benefits of living in England are you? Well wipe that smile off your face, – and those curry stains while you’re at it – because England has the highest obesity rate in adults in Europe (24.9%), so up yours Germany (21.3%.) In fairness to the English footie team, they probably contribute towards that figure. Pity they couldn’t contribute towards anything else (i.e. national pride by not exiting at the group stages of their own World Cup.)

4. Born Party Animals

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Think it’s just English adults leading inadvisable lifestyles and that our youth are shining bastions of good health, do you? Stop being wrong. It’s legal here for kids over 5 years old to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises. We’re been rearing a nation of pissed kids. If only they had inspirational role models to look up to, instead of the English football team who are, to a man, dismal failures.

5. The NHS

Thankfully, good ol’ Aneurin Bevan and the NHS are on hand to look after your sozzled toddlers. Not only that, but a workforce of around 1.7 million makes the NHS the largest employer in Europe. Meanwhile, the English rugby team are wiping £3 billion off our economy with their efforts. Thanks lads.

6. A Home From Home

Can’t imagine anything more British than London; home of the Queen and the red telephone box, can you? Now try to imagine six things more French. Impossible, because London’s population of between 300,000 - 400,000 French citizens makes it (sort of) France’s sixth biggest city. Now, while fans of the English football team can’t derive a single ounce more pleasure from the World Cup, we can be somewhat heartened that around 300,000 Londoners can enjoy their nation’s continued involvement in the tournament.

7. Equal Opportunities

Wishing you had a different passport to avoid embarrassment by association to the English rugby team, do you? Well so too do our horses, ponies and donkeys, who are all issued with a horse passport. We are clearly a nation that cares about its security. Except when it comes to securing victories. At football. And the support of Europe *cough* Brexit  *cough*.

8. Stunning Views

Want to ruefully stare out across the waves at other lands still enjoying the thrill of another team when we inevitably get booted out of the World Cup, do you? Well, you're in luck, because nowhere in the UK is more than 70 miles from the sea

9. Massive Pencils

“How long can you keep weaving this threadbare through-line?” No more, mate. The Cumberland Pencil Museum is home to the largest colouring pencil (8 metres)… in the world. Dang. What a pencil, what a country. Almost big enough to single-handedly put us on the map, although the English football team have already done that. Their exit at the group stages at the World Cup (the first nation to have ever packed their bags this early) has resulted in a collective, palpable shame visible from space.

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