Merely taking a picture of your own face has already resulted in 12 of you unfortunate souls meeting a tragic end this year alone, far outstripping shark attacks, which have claimed eight victims, which means you should start take their threat seriously. In many ways, it’s indicative of humanity’s inevitable annihilation at the hands of technology. For example; you can’t even fend off a selfie by punching it if it attacks you, so if you want our advice, you’ll bin all your gadgets and go and live in the wild.
Avoid anywhere in danger of freezing over, mind. In 2010, falling icicles resulted in 150 injuries and five deaths in Russia alone. Essentially, Mother Nature committing a water stabbing.
“I wouldn’t go somewhere cold, you idiots! I’d go to a tropical paradise!” you scoff. However, you’ve now got to contend with palm trees, the accessory to murderous drupe the ‘coconut’. These hairy bastards kill around 150 people per year by falling on their heads.
4. Vending Machines
“I’m not risking my food dashing me on the bonce, I’m going to retrieve it from a far safer, digital receptacle, such as a vending machine,” you pledge, only to discover that toppling vending machines kill around 13 people a year.
5. Hot Dogs
“Fine. I’ll get my nourishment from a human vendor instead, for humans are far less likely to electrocute or crush me in the process of the transaction,” you stoically continue. A wise move, however the porky foodstuff is a deplorable choking hazard responsible for 17% of food-related asphyxiations in the US every year.
6. Champagne Corks
If you think you’ll be safe by just avoiding the perils of junk food and sticking to decadent living, you’re in for a nasty surprise. Around 24 people die every year as a result of popping champagne corks in order to, ironically, toast good health.
You rarely see a film where a hippo is portrayed as a right prick (unlike, say, a lion or a shark), but you should, because they’re annually responsible for around 2,900 deaths across Africa.
Though slightly less deadly, cows claim up to 20 lives a year. It was nigh-on impossible to think of a single fictional cow, let alone an evil one, so we demand Spielberg give the Jaws treatment to these bovine bastards at once.
9. Left Handers Using Right Handed Products
You might think that, in the grand scheme of things, subtle structural discrimination against left-handers by society is a fairly trivial matter. Not so. Around 2,500 left handers die by their own hands (using products not intended for them) every year.
Going to try and avoid everything by just staying under your duvet, are you? No dice. Approximately twenty Brits die tumbling out of their beds every year. You’re never safe.
11. Lightning Strikes
Being struck by lightning and killed seems so implausibly unlucky that it could only happen in miserable poetry and songs by Radiohead. In reality, it’s the most likely killer on this entire list, causing 24,000 deaths every year. If you want to really impress us, you’re going to have to snap a pic of yourself popping off your mortal coil while buying a hot dog from a vending machine and riding a cow as the heavens chuck electricity at you.