Game of Thrones season 7 only just hit our screens, and honestly we're already showing signs of obsession. We can't walk down a corridor without thinking about Hodor's pointless sacrifice (thanks Bran), or tuck into a delicious pie without wondering who it's made from.
Above all, we just can't wait to find out what happens next: will Dany successfully ride the wooden horses, break the wheel, and mix yet more metaphors? Could Arya finally get revenge on everyone who's ever wronged her, like that bus driver who charged her too much for a cityrider that one time? Can Jon Snow finally learn something?
Here are our 11 surefire predictions for Game Of Thrones Season 7...
1. Tyrion Lannister Will Make A Quip
Probably when someone makes a comment about his stature or maybe when he’s trying to teach eunuchs how to feel because he's definitely an expert in human interaction, the ex-girlfriend-strangling psychopath.
2. Daenerys Targaryen Will Give A Speech
And it’ll be a damn good speech, the best speech you’ve ever heard in your entire goddamn life. It will make you want to follow her into the depths of hell itself, but wait, did it actually mean anything, or was it just a long list of non-sequential feel-good pep phrases designed to OH LOOK SOME DRAGONS.
3. Jon Snow Will Pout
And because winter is finally here he’ll pout longer and harder than he’s over pouted before, which must be painful because we’re pretty sure they didn’t have lip balm back then.
4. Sansa Stark Will Brood In The Corner
Because Jon’s getting all the glory and tbh really the whole Battle of the Bastards success was all down to her. Sure she didn’t tell anyone, and a lot of people died for what amounted to be a cheap parlour trick, but if she had would it have really been as epic? She deserves to be the Queen in the North.
5. Arya Stark Will Kill Someone
And it will be bloody, oh my God how bloody and brutal and Shakesperian and ironic the next death will be. Maybe she’ll feed the Hound to some dogs, or drown Cersei in a bath of wine. Basically, Arya is the new Jigsaw, and she wants to play a game... OF THRONES.
6. The Hound Will Do A Swear
And he’ll be really good at it. His gruff voice will rise and fall through his complete vocal register as he barks “bunch of cunts” or “fucking nincompoops” or “ya daft haypeth”. Seriously, get ready for the t-shirt.
7. Cersei Lannister Will Drink A Glass Of Wine
Then another, then another. It’s really great news that she’s got a disavowed doctor as her right hand man, otherwise he'd probably advise her to stop drinking and rob the audience of her drunk sassy chat and strong alcohol-induced fashion choices.
8. Bran Stark Will Fuck Something Up
Not on purpose mind, but it’ll really have deep ramifications. After causing the death of his mentor, his walking wheelchair, and his sentient tree friend, there’s no knowing what tragedy his stupidity may cause. He’ll probably set the Wall on fire or break his hands while spying on some giants doing it or something.
9. Melisandre Will Gaze Mournfully Into A Fire
And it will be a long, soul-searching stare. She’ll see things you people could never believe: attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. Then she’ll probably burn a family or something.
10. Sam Tarly Will Do That Weird Half-Smile, Half-Deflating Balloon Thing He Does When He Tries To Convince Gilly That Westeros Loves Women, Wildlings, And Inbred Babies And It's All Gonna Be Okay
11. There Will Be Boobs, For Like Literally No Reason
Cause you gotta have something in there for daddy.
So there you have it, 11 surefire predictions for Game Of Thrones Season 7! If they don't happen, you're probably watching Springwatch.