[subheader]1. “The magazine?”[/subheader]
Time Inc ceased publication of Nuts in 2014, so even if someone did suffer from a physiological intolerance to that magazine’s particular blend of old-school sexism, underwhelming picture captions and Top Gear screengrabs, they’d be fine now.
[subheader]2. “Does that mean you can’t eat them?”[/subheader]
Yes. That is literally what it means.
[subheader]3. “I couldn’t live without peanut butter.”[/subheader]
Yes you could. You’re thinking of water.
[subheader]4. “So if I show you a Snickers will you die?”[/subheader]
If allergic reactions were triggered by sight, this would be a valid concern.
[subheader]5. “Do you ever play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels?”[/subheader]
This joke has been around since the beginning of time. It pre-dates Revels. In fact, Revels were only invented so that this aeons-old joke would finally make sense. And no, nobody’s playing that. Russian Roulette is a horrible game. Have you seen The Deer Hunter? Christ.
[subheader]6. “Like, your own nuts?”[/subheader]
HA HA HA HA HA IMAGINE BEING ALLERGIC TO YOUR OWN TESTICLES HA HA HA HA HA shut your stupid mouth.
[subheader]7. “Is a coconut a nut?”[/subheader]
No. Just like a pineapple isn’t an apple, and a monkfish isn’t really a monk.
[subheader]8. “How allergic are you?”[/subheader]
Allergic enough to kick your arse.
[subheader]9. “I read a thing that said all allergies are nonsense.”[/subheader]
Let’s see how well you read through two black eyes, shall we?
[subheader]10. “Good thing you’re not a squirrel! Haha!”[/subheader]
That’s true for most people. In the wild, grey squirrels generally die before they reach six years old. Being a squirrel sucks.
[subheader]11. “A little bit couldn’t hurt, right?”[/subheader]
No, probably not. It’d be like only eating one spike.