1. Get some memories
Superimpose yourself into your Facebook friends’ holiday snaps and vicariously live through their travels. Every once in a while, leave a comment to the tune of “take me back!! :’(“ or “can’t believe this was 4 months ago! now take me back!! :’(“ or “[an impenetrable reference to an in-joke only one other person could possibly get] take me back!! :’(“ This way, your friends will know you had a great time.
2. Get jet-lagged
Sit in a darkened room and, using a timer plug (available in stores), have various lights turn on at arbitrary intervals to mess with your body clock. Then mess with your actual clock by magnetising your watch.
3. Get motion sickness
Wedge three chairs together on a treadmill and then sit in the middle seat. Then put the treadmill atop a malfunctioning car jack. Hire two people to sit in the vacant seats, have the person behind repeatedly kick your back at jaunty intervals, while the person in front incrementally reclines their seat and ignores your protests until your kneecaps are ground into a fine powder. For added panache, buy a vomit infused air-freshener to occasionally bother your nostrils.
4. Get some unfortunate tan lines
Run against the wind down an exceptionally dusty alley wearing a bikini and swimming goggles. Or one of our stencils.
5. Get vicious sunburn
Return to a tanning salon six times under various guises and really roast your skin until it’s permanently damaged.
6. Get food poisoning
Blend raw egg with oysters, a scotch bonnet, a load of mince slathered in toothpaste, a can of Boddingtons, five shots of tequila, an entire chicken you’ve left out over several nights and psychoactive toad. Then do jumping jacks.
7. Have a fleeting holiday romance
Develop a very intense emotional attachment to someone, then move to another part of the world after exactly one week. Make a vague plan to meet again, exchange a few emails and then check their Facebook in 3 years time to discover that they’re now happily married.
8. Get a permanent regret
Have the names of five of your closest mates, a derogatory nickname describing your sexual competency, a weird scrawling of Colonel Sanders and an inaccurate Japanese kanji rendering of “Live Without Regrets” tattooed from your arse up to your face.
9. Do something you never want anyone to find out
You aren’t literally going on tour, but that doesn’t mean what you do doesn’t have to stay there. Shit yourself in a fancy restaurant. Shave all your pubes off, put them in a sandwich and then eat that sandwich for £2. Wake up stark naked in a garden centre. Bombard the official Bolivia Twitter incessantly until they ban you from ever entering the country. Cheat on your spouse. We don’t care what you do, as long as you never let us know. Or hold us responsible.
10. Struggle to adapt to your everyday life
Explore some exotic locations in Google Street View and then walk around your own town centre exclaiming “It’s going to take a while to get used to this!”, complaining about the air quality and stopping to stare at your own miserable reflection in a shop window, wishing you were anywhere else other than within the suffocating dead-end confines of whatever hellish place you’ve called ‘home’ for too long now.
11. Go to a shopping mall photobooth and get a load of keyrings made