Us Brits love a picnic. The second the sun breaks through the rain clouds and the feral turf of a public park has dried out, we’re spreading out best blankets and waving around artisan baguettes like Luke Skywalker whilst we chop cheese and pick twigs out of our Pimm’s.
But let’s be honest: picnics are shit. There’s nothing romantic about dining al fresco. And the outside is full of wasps that launch bombing raids for your Ploughman’s. Also the fields where we picnic are basically a dog and urban fox toilet. As a species we evolved and built the dining table. So let’s use it.
And if in doubt, let’s digest 13 reasons why we're right about this.
The floor is filthy and smells. The reason it smells is because an animal has doubtless defacated in the exact spot you decided to sit. Also, sitting on said floor is unbelievably uncomfortable - and don't even get us started on standing up.
At picnics people peel their white, almost translucent feet out of their socks and walk all over the picnic blanket in a panic to get the last scoop of hummus. It's revolting.
Speaking of which, remember before hummus even existed? Now a picnic isn’t a picnic until someone pops open a container of beige sludge. Even though it develops a red crust like a squelchy Martian surface if left in the sun too long.
It’s hot and annoying and gives us cancer but still we insist on sitting under it at every given opportunity, slowly roasting like rotisserie chickens.
You know the couple… they’ve been waiting all winter to show off their pimped up picnic basket. They’re the BMW driver of the lunch gathering. Idiots! What’s wrong with a trusty Tesco carrier bag?
These airborne skanks beat ants and pigeons in the annoying animal stakes because they eat shit. Remember that next time one lands on that slice of quiche but you eat it anyway.
Cheese is lush. Until it’s left outside on a hot day and gets sweatier than a marathon runner’s buttocks; smells the same too.
Quinoa is supposed to be a superfood but tastes of nothing. Your mate only brought it to prove how healthy and wholesome they are. Give us a pork pie any day.
No one ever brings a knife. So you attempt to make a sandwich by hand. Ever tried ripping a tomato in half? Carnage. Cavemen had better table manners than us.
Ever noticed how mayo turns translucent like slug slime if left in the sun too long? Puts you right off the potato salad.
There’s nothing less refreshing than a hot can of sickly sweet cider. Chill out! Everyone has a “ledge” mate who’s brought a paddling pool and bag of ice to keep the beers cold. He’ll then drink all the beers, climb a tree, fall out, chase a dog and then collapse with sunstroke. You know who you are.
Warm booze or cold booze. You’re not having a drop because no one brought a bottle opener anyway. Unlucky!
Without doubt the worst thing about picnics: people. You actually have to talk with them and pretend you’re having a good time.
We recommend boycotting all picnic activity immediately. Just pretend you're outside by sticking Springwatch on the telly whilst you eat at your DINING TABLE like a civilised human.
By Mike Currell