AARRGGHH, it's your EX! Run away, hide! They can't see you! Even if you ended on really good terms, this doesn't matter, it's your EX for god's sake, RUN!
Handy tip: wear running shoes at all times, in case you encounter your ex. Even if you're going to a tap dancing class or to a black tie event. You simply never know when you could see them them.
2. Boast about how well your life is going
You're better without them, your life is on track again, you have time to do all the things you want to do! You should absolutely let them know this. Also, telling a few white lies here is totally fine. For example, you could drop into conversation: “oh, and did I tell you that my screenplay got commissioned? Oh, you didn’t know I was writing a screenplay? Yeah, I wrote it all on the evening after we broke up. I’m really productive when I’m not tied down by anyone…” Your ex will regret ever letting you go, now you're the hotshot you always wanted to be!
3. Disguise yourself
If it was a bad break up, or you just really love dressing up, you should definitely do this. Walk around with a newspaper with eye holes cut out, wear the classic Groucho glasses, cover yourself in mud, do whatever it takes!
4. Fake a phone call
Top tip for this one: pretend you're talking to a really important person. A suggested thing to say is "Hello, who's that? The head of the UN? Yes, I do suppose I have a few minutes to talk to you, before I have to be put through to Downing Street... yes, I did receive the documents and I'll get round to reading them in my own time! I have things to do! Stop harrassing me, ok?!"
5. Pretend you don’t recognise them
Even though you broke up less than a month ago, this is a good way to show your ex that you are TOTALLY OVER THEM. They will have to just assume that you are now too busy/over them/physically attractive to recognise their face.
6. Grab a random hottie off the street and get them to pretend you're together
If you want your ex to think you've already moved onto someone else, simply find the closest really attractive person and force them to stand next to you (if they're willing, you could even link arms/hold hands/massively get off with each other). Your ex will be like "oh no, how could I have let them go? They're now with a really hot person, so must also be really really hot, because that's how the world works".
7. Weirdly contort your face so that they're not 100% sure it's you
Trust us on this one. If you don't have access to a proper disguise to time to run away, just pull a weird face. Your ex will think "hmm, that's strange, that woman has the exact same hair and body as my ex girlfriend, but a more contorted face, so it definitely can't be her".
8. Throw a water balloon in their face
Obviously, this means you have to constantly carry a water balloon around with you, but the payoff for this is well worth the effort. If you don't want to stay friends with your ex, this is the perfect gesture to let them know to leave you alone. They are sure to get the message.
9. Tell them what you really think of them
Let them know you’ve stalked them on Facebook and can see they've done nothing interesting since the break up. They definitely won't get offended and will just think that your life is way more interesting and exciting than theirs.
10. Scream “I CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU” in their face
Playing it cool is overrated. Sometimes it's best to just drop a truth bomb.
11. Hug them for a really long time
They'll really regret deciding to end things with you when they are reminded about how much of an affectionate person you are!
12. Ask “why are you stalking me???”
It's essential that your ex doesn't think that you are stalking them (even if you are). To ensure they don't think this, insist that they are stalking you and tell them "look, honestly, I'm flattered, but you've got to let me go" then just slowly walk off into the distance.
13. Have a mature, adult conversation, about how it didn't work out, but that's ok. You've both moved on and can now focus on yourselves. Let them know that you still respect them and will always have great memories.
Lol. Or not. Just make it clear you do naaaaat want them in your life anymore.