14 Trusted Hangover Cures That Don't Actually Work At All

Feeling fragile? Don't try these at home.

Hair Of The Dog

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Everyone has a mate who claims to know the perfect cure for the morning after a big night out, usually a Bloody Mary but sometimes their own incredibly scientific-seeming cocktail recipe.

Turns out, they’ve been chatting a load of absolute shite and making themselves feel even worse. Alcohol’s temporary pain-numbing qualities might make this method briefly appear to work, but what it’s really doing is piling on your future misery. It’s like trying to clean your room by covering the existing layer of clutter in even more clutter.

A Night Cap

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The logic here being that the longer you sleep, the better you’ll feel, so knocking yourself out by getting even more pishkey will have the alluring side effect of actually helping you.

This obviously doesn’t work. Your sleep is going to be far less restful and you’re going to wake up feeling as refreshed as a 404 error page on a deleted website.

Down A Load Of Juice

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This kinda works. Hydrating yourself and washing out the toxins is important, and fruit juice is still good for you, but you’re unlikely to just wash away all those Jagerbombs with a nice glass of OJ.

Down A Load Of Coffee

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We all know those people who “can’t function without their coffee” – and the reason for this? Their crippling addiction to caffeine is an extremely bad thing to riddle your body with, and you’re only going to compound your throbbing headache misery with a sugar crash once it wears off, ya dingus.

Lining Your Stomach

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There is a certain logic to this. Eating a hearty meal does delay the speed in which the bastardly booze disperses through your system, thus potentially making your morning slightly less painful, but it doesn’t prevent it entering your body. You’ve drank it, and now it’s in you.

What we’re saying is: you can’t cancel out the fact you downed a keg by gorging yourself in equal measure.

Having A Fry Up The Next Morning

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These might seem appealing when you wake up in a pile of your own sick, but because you’ve waited until after your debauchery to ingest them, they’re going to contribute very little by way of the slowing down effect detailed above.

Plus, even if you were completely sober, gobbling down a greasy spoon would hardly be a boon for the health, with fatty foods liable to aggravate rumbly tumbly. What you should do is eat a hearty breakfast full of vitamins, minerals and iron to replace those lost while you were shitfaced.

Sweat It Out

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Fitness fanatics often swear by this technique, effectively seeing their sweat glands as a sieve that can discern between the evil booze giving them a hard time and the brilliant water keeping them hydrated. They don’t, ya eejits.

Taking A Pain-Killer Before Going To Bed

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Pain-killers only work effectively for a certain amount of time, and if you’re dozing during this period, you’re still going to wake up feeling like an overflowing bin.

Taking A Pain-Killer When You Wake Up

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This might numb your headache that feels like your skull is internally compressing itself, but it risks irritating your fragile stomach even more. Ride it out if you can, but if you must, ibruprofen is preferable to paracetemol and aspirin.

Beer Before Wine

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“Beer before wine, then you’ll feel fine. Wine before beer, and you’ll feel queer.” No. If you drink a bottle of Merlot after ten pints and think you’ll be fine, you’re a fucking idiot.

Posting A Whiney Update About How Awful You Feel On Social Media

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Slap Your Thighs Until They Are Red Raw And Scream For Five Hours Straight

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Who told you this would work?

Have A Doctor Puncture You With A Straw And Drink The Booze Out

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Literally not possible.

Wake Up Completely Nude Next To Someone Other Than Your Partner

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A terrible, terrible idea.

Related: 15 Pictures That Prove Drunk You Cannot Be Trusted Near Food