The 19 Stages Of Every British Heat Wave

Our sacred annual ritual.

Every year, for about day or two, the British Isles turn into a hot mess. No one's ever prepared for the heat. Everyone's excited at first, but soon regrets doing even as much as setting their foot outside. Sound familiar?  

 

1. You wake up sweating.

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2. Suspiciously, you look outside of the window. 

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3. You inevitably get blinded by the sun - what is this sorcery? Could it be? Is today the day?

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4. You rummage through your closet, trying to find a pair of shorts and some tank tops. Where did you put your sunglasses again?

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5. You think about putting sun cream on, but ultimately decide not to bother.

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6. Half way through the day, when you’re drinking with your colleagues in the nearby park during lunchtime, you start regretting that decision.

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7. You spend most of your afternoon sweating in your office, frantically browsing through Amazon’s mini desk fans selection.

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8. You order one, but it turns out it’s shipping from China, so it’s going to be here in a month’s time. Oh well, surely it will come in handy during the next heat wave.

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9. Time to go home now, finally. You suffer a near-death experience through suffocation on your commute. Off to the park now!

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10. Unless it’s the weekend, then you’ve been at the park since noon, most likely drunk by 3pm.

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11. It’s 5.30pm now - that’s the threshold for complaining. What started off as great fun is now a sweaty mess.

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12. “Oh, my! Can you believe this weather, Jessica?” 

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13. “You can’t do anything in this heat!”

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14. “At least it’s not raining, eh?”

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15. You look down at your arm - it’s pinkish already. Uh-oh.

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16. But who cares? It’s time to get your priorities straight. You haven’t had enough ice cream today.  Let’s go get one. Or, y’know, ten.

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17. Wait, did someone say Pimms? Sure, you'll have some Pimms.

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18. You’re back home now. It’s 10pm. You’re drunk, sunburnt, and full of sugar.

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19. But you know what you’re not full of? Regret. It was one of the best days of this year. Until the next heat wave - 365 days from now.

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