24 Very Good Reasons To Never Go To Glastonbury

More like Glastonrubbish, eh? Eh?

At the end of June, over 200,000 people will be descending on a field in Somerset to go to Glastonbury. Why 200,000 people would be so ridiculous as to do that is a mystery. A lot of people love Glastonbury, but if you're thinking of going, there's one simple piece of advice: don't. 

Just don't. It's not for you. It's not where you need to be. Why's that? Well let us explain.

1. First of all, you’ll never get a ticket, so we don't know what you're worried about really


2. If you try to get a ticket, the website will crash and you’ll pull your hair out

3. If you manage the impossible and get a ticket, you’ll have to shell out over £200 for the pleasure

4. The annoying Glastonbury hype begins sometime around March and continues well after the festival finishes


5. In the run up to Glastonbury, you’ll be fervently checking the weather to see whether you’re going to drown or not

The Weather Network

6. When the day of Glastonbury arrives, you realise that you probably are going to drown after all

7. If you’re driving down, you’ll be in the car for at least 200 hours

8. Then you’ll have to walk for another 200 hours as the car park is MILES away from the festival

Glastonbury Festival

9. If you’re getting the train down, you’ll be jammed in like sardines, listening to people bang on about how ‘excited’ they are to see Adele

10. If you’re getting the coach down, well, you’re on a coach. You get what you deserve

11. The queues begin immediately, and they last for 30 HOURS

12. Then you’ll have to walk for ANOTHER 18 hours to find somewhere to camp

13. And then the rain starts

Disney Pixar

14. Needless to say you’ll be covered in mud and shit (not literally... but maybe) in about 30 minutes

15. Your first trip to the long drops will be a stench to remember

16. And that’s at the beginning of the festival, you just wait ‘til Sunday


17. Your favourite bands will inevitably clash with your other favourite bands


18. But Glastonbury is so big that you’ll never actually get to see any of them anyway

19. There are flags all over the Pyramid stage, meaning you won’t get to see shit

Though some are pretty funny, tbf.

20. There is also garbage everywhere, and this is because a handful people at the festival are also garbage

21. Waking up with a hangover in a tent will teach you what being a boil-in-the-bag curry feels like

22. If the people in the tent next door’s 10-hour techno DJ set doesn’t keep you up all night, that is


23. Everything costs 10x more than it does in the real world

24. Your feet will hurt, your eyes will hurt, your brain will hurt, everything smells, nothing is clean, the bands are all shite - basically, never go to Glastonbury

LOL JK, Glastonbury is wicked, definitely go


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