26 Reasons Why You're Not Leaving London

We've read your thinkpieces, now here's why they're wrong...

1. Nobody will care about those thinkpieces you write about where you live anymore

2. All your stuff's here


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3. You love the gritty urban aesthetic but also being able to live in a lovely townhouse

4. You went on holiday once and hated it


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5. You won’t be able to get a black cab anywhere else

6. You’ve got an impending appearance at Crown Court 


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7. You’re tethered to a pole in the middle of Trafalgar Square

8. You don't want to be that one idiot who misses the next Great Fire of London


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9. You’re the lead in the current run of Wicked

10. You’ll be less likely to see Lily Allen jogging in the park


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11. The countryside? You'd rather go to the nicepersonryside

12. You will stop being featured on Rush Hour Crush


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13. You’d end up right-swiping yourself on small town Tinder

14. Your Oyster Card only goes up to Zone 6


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15. Being near the sea makes you nauseous

16. Being north, south and west of Birmingham makes you nauseous

17. Being in Birmingham makes you nauseous

18. East Anglia and Kent make you especially nauseous


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19. Nobody likes Instagram posts tagged #nantwich

20. You’re a contestant on the next series of The Apprentice and you’re required to be here for filming

21. You are a chimernee sweep and a dustman and Phil Daniels, where else would you be?

22. You’re being held hostage in Madame Tussauds and can’t move from your podium or you’ll be shot dead


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23. You really love expensive burger restaurants, bars that force you to drink out of jam jars and stupid novelty cribbed from America, a country which has now culture itself and so cribbed everyone else's

24. The percentage of your friends whose parents had the same surname before they were married is far lower than in those in your hometown village


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25. Globalisation and homogenisation have rendered human existence everywhere identical and travelling pointless

26. You are the Queen of England