[subheader]ON A PLANE[/subheader]
1. Pretend you have to keep flapping your arms or you’ll plummet out of the sky.
2. Close your eyes and try to replay Alive inside your head in its entirety.
3. Join the mile high club. If you;re on your own, join the half-mile high club.
4. Go to the bathroom every fifteen minutes and eat a paper towel.
5. See if you can fill a whole sick bag up with tears.
6. Keep asking for a glass of water in the kitchenette and immediately dropping it then asking for another one until they refuse to give you any more.
[subheader]ON A BUS[/subheader]
7. Close your eyes and try to replay Speed inside your head in its entirety.
8. Sing Mark Mancina’s excellent score to Speed: “Dun dun dun dan dan dan…. Neeyowm! Dun dun dun dan dan dan!”
9. Pretend the bus travelled into a posthuman future and you had to repopulate the earth. Work out which passengers should mate with each other to produce the hardiest offspring.
10. Deliberately get your foot stuck in the bus toilet and enlist help getting it unstuck. When it does get unstuck, go for a high-five with your rescuer and deliberately get it stuck again.
11. Sing the first line to The Wheels on The Bus Go Round And Round to the tune of La Marseillaise again and again like that’s how you think it goes. If anyone attempts to correct you, just sing over them.
12. Play the alphabet game with car registrations – look at the cars going by you and try to spot one that looks like it’s registered to someone whose name begins with the letter A, then try to spot one that looks like it’s registered to someone whose name begins with the letter B, etc.
[subheader]ON A TRAIN[/subheader]
13. Close your eyes and try to replay Under Siege 2 inside your head in its entirety.
14. Sit on the toilet with your trousers round your ankles and the door unlocked and wait for someone to walk in on you like in the Irn-Bru advert. At first they’ll be embarrassed but then you’ll have a massive laugh and become firm friends.
15. Ask to borrow a pen from the ticket inspector and proceed to draw an elaborate sleeve tattoo the full length of your arm. Include a lifelike portrait of the ticket inspector in question. See if, by flexing your biceps, you can alter their expression.
16. Try to run the entire length of the train, front to back, at exactly the same speed as the train, so it’s like you’re staying still and the train’s just a needlessly enormous treadmill filled with people.
17. Nudge the person next to you and say “Are we there yet? Hey. Hey. Hey. Are we there yet? Jeez. I mean, when will be get there? Jeez. You know what I’m talking about. Are we there yet? Hey. Jeez.”
18. Look out of the window and loudly narrate everything you go past, swapping accents every twenty minutes.
[subheader]ON A FERRY[/subheader]
19. Close your eyes and try to replay Titanic inside your head in its entirety.
20. Pretend you have to keep swimming or you’ll die.
21. Lean against the fruit machine they always have on ferries and wait for someone to use it. Shout encouraging things like “Hey, I hope this gamble pays off and you win lots of money!” and “Good luck at this financially hazardous machine!”
22. Dare every other passenger in turn to drink the sea.
23. Drink the sea.
24. Pretend to be asleep for several hours, then spring to your feet, point at all the other passengers and shout “Gotcha!”
25. Stage a mutiny.
26. Sit at a table and proclaim it to be the captain's table. Ask other people if they'd like to dine with you. Make a really big deal of writing a captain's log in the air with an imaginary pen.
27. Press your thumbs into your eyelids and pretend you’re flying through space.
28. Get that idea for a novel and think about writing it down for a while, but don’t.
29. Pre-emptively have loads of arguments with people inside your head about things that haven’t happened yet. Ideally get to a point where you’re really angry at people for things they haven’t done. Fun!
30. Dwell on incidents from your past while breathing heavily.
32. Picture a wordsearch and see what words you can find.
33. Think about your birthday for so long that you aren’t sure whether it’s your birthday or not.
35. Just get really pissed!