1. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
2. Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.
3. I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
4. C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
5. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
6. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
7. The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
8. Knock, knock. Who’s there? To. To who? No, to whom.
9. What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
10. Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
11. A German asks for a martini. "Dry?" says the bartender. "Nein, just one."
12. Pretentious? Moi?
13. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
14. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
15. Your momma is so mean she has no standard deviation
16. There's a band called 1024MB. They haven't had any gigs yet
17. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now
18. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
19. Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft
20. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
21. Pavlov is sitting at a bar. When all of the sudden the phone rings, Pavlov gasps, 'Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs!'
22. Yo momma’s so classless she could be a Marxist utopia
23. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here.' He doesn't react
24. Entropy isn't what is used to be...
25. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”
26. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality
27. Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't
28. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
29. A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, 'No, I’m traveling light'
30. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. 'You mean a martini?' the bartender asks. The Roman replies, 'If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!'
31. What do you call a pair of crows? Attempted murder
32. Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.
33. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be in Seine.
34. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce 'unionised'
35. What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference
36. Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
37. I’m thinking about selling my theremin. I haven’t touched it in years
38. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally