HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK HARRY POTTER IS BACK
Sooooo in case you hadn't heard, Harry Potter is back!
Yeah, the Cursed Child's been in the theatre for quite some time now, but come on, did any of you get tickets? Are any of you gonna wait until May 2017 for a chance to get one? Nah, you're gonna read the book, like we did! People can't be trusted to #KeepTheSecrets (especially us).
So here are 75 thoughts we had while reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Part One for all your hardcore Harry readers out there...
WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD AND HEAVY CAPS LOCK THROUGHOUT
1. OMG OMG OMG OMG 19 YEARS LATER ISN'T SO TERRIBLE ANYMORE
2. HARRY IS SUCH A GREAT DAD
3. HERMIONE IS SUCH A GREAT MUM
4. RON FINALLY LEARNED TO DRIVE
5. That's right, Albus Severus *shudder* it doesn't matter which house you're in... cause you'll always have friends, right? *foreshadowinggggg*
6. Hold up... Fred's alive? FRED'S ALIVE!? *googles* oh, no, no, Fred's dead. This is just another 'we named a kid after our hero' sort of deal. This is more confusing than 100 Years Of Solitude. STOP PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS, JK.
7. Albus is such a cutie he'll be so good in Hogwarts, Slytherin or not. HE TOOK PITY ON MALFOY'S SON AFTER ALL HE A GOOD BOY WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!?
9. Oh, no.
10. Oh, God, this is heartbreaking.
11. Also, can we talk about how Hermione and Ron's kids are the Granger-Weasleys, and Harry and Ginny's kids are the Potters?
12. Is Harry a misogynist?
13. Sooo people think Draco sent his wife back in time to fuck Voldemort in order to have Scorpius?
14. What the hell kind of a name is Scorpius?
15. Does Voldemort have a dick?
16. Is it big?
17. Is it scaly?
18. I mean let's be real, he definitely banged Bellatrix Lestrange.
19. OMG HARRY AND HERMIONE WORK IN THE MINISTRY TOGETHER
20. THEY HAVE OFFICE JOKES
21. THEY'RE BASICALLY IN A SITCOM
22. I WOULD 10/10 WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF A HARRY POTTER-BASED OFFICE SITCOM
23. They could be like Tim and Dawn and play tricks on Malfoy like set his stapler in jelly... scratch that TURN his stapler into jelly!
24. Soooo this whole thing's about Cedrick *fucking* Diggory dying?
25. Man was just a talking haircut. Who cares?
26. Oh, Diggory dad cares.
27. And for some reason Albus cares?
28. Come on, Harry. Go back in time and save sexy vampire crossover character! Save the Cedric, save the world.
29. Seriously tho Harry Potter has become a reverse maverick. He plays by the rules, and never gets results.
30. Scorpius is so cute and full of ancestral guilt he is gonna write such fire poetry some day.
31. OMG YES A DARING TRAIN ROOFTOP ESCAPE!
32. TROLLEY WITCH HAS A NAME THAT SHE'S FORGOTTEN BECAUSE EVERYONE CALLS HER TROLLEY WITCH CAPITALISM IS EVIL
33. But isn't this play and basically everything that's surrounded Harry Potter the height of capitalism?
35. There is a literal STFU spell why has this never been used before?
36. And apparently Ginny runs the Sports Bible FB page now? Was she ever that into sport?
37. Also can we talk about how there's only one broadsheet and one tabloid in the Potter-verse?
38. Surely there'd be one paper that was pro-Voldemort? The Daily Chain-Mail or something?
39. Yes, I am 100% saying The Daily Mail would be pro-Voldemort. Come at me.
40. What the hell is the political landscape of the Wizarding World, cause at the moment it seems like the Ministry's got nothing better to do than chat about how some dumb stupid kids went missing off a train.
41. NO ONE TALKS TO HERMIONE THAT WAY SHE IS A DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED LEADER DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO HER LIKE THAT AND WALK OUT OF A CABINET MEETING AND THREATEN TO UNDERMINE HER IN THE PRESS... oh God, Hermione's Jeremy Corbyn.
42. Sorry, should have said Oh, Dumbledore, seeing as he's a God now apparently and this phrase is absolutely normal and okay.
43. Why has no one thought to introduce Polyjuice potion screening at the entrance of the Ministry of Magic. Kids been trying this shit for 20 years. KIDS WHO ARE NOW IN POWER.
44. Maybe they just want to keep things interesting? Maybe they know that fear and instability create stronger power bases?
45. Was polyjuice potion developed literally so that people could get off with their family members?
46. We haven't had any magic in a looooong time... OH SHIT, MAN-EATING BOOKCASE!
47. How come these kids are so good at multiple complicated riddles I can't even work out why a raven's like a writing desk.
48. Okay, Albus is just as shit at pulling off simple plans as Harry was, so that's encouraging.
49. Also, narcissism REALLY runs in the family.
50. Get your head out your arse, Albus Severus *shudders*.
51. Oh shit, maybe they saved Cedric?
52. Oh wait, never mind.
53. Okay, so the overwhelming lesson of the book so far is that if you're a woman, you're probably gonna die or be erased from history. Nice lesson, book play.
54. Good news tho, apparently wizard PUAs are banned, so at least that's something.
55. RON NEVER MARRIED HERMIONE RON NEVER MARRIED HERMIONE RON NEVER MARRIED HERMIONE
56. AND SHE'S A STONE COLD MEANIE NOW!!!
57. Best Back To The Future sequel, ever.
58. Yeah, that's right, Harry. Just isolate your Slthyerin son who's already a bit moody from his only friend... LET'S SEE HOW THAT GOES SHALL WE. You idiot.
59. Please welcome to the stage, Harry Potter, here to collect his Worst Dad Of All Time Ever In The History Of The Wizarding World award.
60. This Draco/Harry wizard duel would look so fucking dope on stage.
61. All of this would look fucking dope on stage.
62. Why am I reading this at my desk. GET ME TO A STAGE!
63. These spells really do have ridiculously literal names, don't they?
64. What could "flipendo" possibly do, I wonder?
65. OMG THEY'VE BECOME UNLIKELY FRIENDS ALL MY FAN FIC DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!!!
66. Yes, Albus, go back in time again it worked so well the first time.
67. No you don't, Albus.
68. No you don't, Scorpius.
69. NO YOU DON'T, PLAY!
70. Wtf where's Albus Severus?
71. Wtf why's Umbridge headmistress?
72. Wtf why are they talking about Harry like he's dead?
73. Ohhhhhhhhh shittttttttttt.
74. HAPPY VOLDEMORT DAY, BITCHES! THE WORLD IS FUCKED! VOTE LEAVE WON!
75. Can't wait to read Part Two!!!