Scrap the novel and cancel your appearance on Countdown, you have a new life goal. Your new mission - and you've already accepted it - is to get as drunk as Martin McNally, the man who got so drunk he argued with himself.
Martin had been drinking and playing Bingo (yes, this story did just get better) when he returned home and asked his girlfriend Nicole for the number of their mutual friend.
Nicole - who you will shortly realise is well-suited for Martin - accidentally gave him his own number.
‘I didn’t realise what I had done until the next day when I went through my phone calls,’ Martin said.
‘When I saw the repeated messages I thought, “What the hell have I done”.’
Us too, Martin. Us too.