Bad news, everyone. We've failed. The dream is over. We are the Spartans at Thermopylae. We are England at every single international tournament. We are Sisyphus watching the boulder roll back down the hill for the final time.
We have lost the race to become Britain's first Pokémon Go master.
Reports are coming in that a married father-of-four from Southampton, has successfully catched* them all. Sam Clark apparently walked over 140 miles - ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FUCKING MILES - to collect all 142 Pokémon available in the game. So, you know, we may well be heartbroken, but fair play.
We can only hope that Nintendo make good on their reported plans to release new Pokémon into the wild (read: augmented reality app), but for now let's all take a deep breath, and kiss our childhood dreams goodbye. It wasn't us, God. It wasn't us.
(*Yes, I know this is not good grammar, but I'm the writer, yeah? I'll pervert the English language however I damn well please in the pursuit of a half-formed Pokémon pun. A Poképun, if you will.)