Cinema's Dumbest Taglines

A great movie is complex, nuanced and multi-layered. A great movie's tagline is often none of those things.

[subheader:list:1]MATRIX REVOLUTIONS[/subheader]

 

“Everything that has a beginning has an end”
Erm, yeah. No shit.

[subheader:list:2]SUSPIRIA[/subheader]

 

“The only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92.”

A bold claim from a 98-minute film.

[subheader:list:3]HOMBRE[/subheader]

“Hombre means man... Paul Newman is Hombre!”

Woah, so Paul Newman plays a man in this? Intriguing!

[subheader:list:4]STRANGE DAYS[/subheader]

 

“You know you want it”
Al things condiderered we'd prefer it if you just drive us home, thank you.

[subheader:list:5]THE THING WITH TWO HEADS[/subheader]

“They transplanted a white bigot’s head onto a soul brother’s body!”
Just imagine all the cheeky hi-jinks these rascals will get up to!

[subheader:list:6]A*P*E[/subheader]

“Not to be confused with King Kong.”
Right, but... you can see the potential for confusion, yes?

[subheader:list:7]CREEPOZOIDS[/subheader]

 

“Move over aliens – here come the Creepozoids”
Oh noes! Not Creepozoids? Yikesy!

[subheader:list:8]THE DAY OF THE DOLPHIN[/subheader]

“Unwittingly, he trained a dolphin to kill the president of the United States.”

“OMG you know that dolphin I’ve been training to leap through a hoop? Well, it’s only gone and killed the effing president! I feel a right tit.”

[subheader:list:9]DRACULA'S DAUGHTER[/subheader]

 

 

“She gives you that weird feeling”
Like when you get up out of a hot bath too quickly? Or like when you fall asleep on your hand and it goes all gammy?

 

[subheader:list:10]I WAS A SHOPLIFTER[/subheader]

 

“Exposing today’s most alarming crime ring!”

Probably somewhat overstating where shoplifting sits on the sliding scale of heinous criminality.

[subheader:list:11]SAVAGE ABDUCTION[/subheader]

“Capture nice young girls”

A marketing tagline that handily doubles as a rallying cry for psycho-nonces.

[subheader:list:12]THE PIT[/subheader]

 

“Down in the pit there’s something alive. Half-human. Half-monster. Half-crazed.”

Let's have a quick chat about how fractions work.

[subheader:list:13]URBAN LEGEND[/subheader]

 

“It happened to someone who knows someone you know... You’re next.”

Wait, so... It happened to who now? My cousin's mate's sister?

[subheader:list:14]THE ABOMINABLE SHOWMAN OF THE HIMALAYAS[/subheader]

 

“We dare you to see it alone!”

Cracking business decision.