Zoo keepers, they're nice guys, right? Helping us conserve endangered species by giving animals, arachnids and everything in between the care and attention they deserve?
Lies. Falsehoods. Fabrications. ZOO KEEPERS ARE BAD PEOPLE. Why?
Oh, nothing major. They just set 400 fern raft spiders with the capability to grow to the size of chihuahuas free in the UK, for lols.
Here's a brief profile on the hairy little buggers (lol now we're lying, they're not little, they're fricking huge):
- They can sit on the surface of the water and move across it, thanks to their giant hairy legs
- They eat small spiders, dragonfly larvae, pond skaters, FISH, fucking FISH, tadpoles and small children*
- THEY HAVE JUST BEEN RELEASED INTO THE WILD IN THE UK, ON PURPOSE, OH GOD OH GOD OH GODDY GOD GOD
- Chessington World of Adventures zoo keepers have been working for five years to double the population of said spiders and they now no longer need help to avoid extinction. EXCELLENT NEWS
- Because of this you must now move as far away as possible, maybe Australia, is that far enough, there's no scary wildlife there right, oh wait, shit, we are all doomed
BRB, buying a spaceship.
*OK not yet but probably