We all know the health risks of everything.
Cigarettes give you cancer. Fast food clogs your arteries. Voting Conservative condemns you to dying in a ditch while fox hunters steal your life support cables to make a better dog whip.
But if there's one thing we never hear enough of it's what's GOOD for your health. Well today, ladies and gentlemen, we have an announcement to make.
Coffee can make you immortal.
According to a recent study, drinking a cup of coffee a day can prolong a man's life by up to three months, and a woman's for around a month.
“Pro-rata, that’s as if that cup of coffee puts, on average, around nine minutes on a man’s life, and around three minutes on a woman’s." Said Prof Sir David Spiegelhalter, Winton Professor for the Public Understanding of Risk at the University of Cambridge. "So perhaps we should relax and enjoy it."
> WATCH: EVERY SINGLE CUP OF COFFEE DRUNK IN FRIENDS
Now I know what you're thinking. No, not about forming a coffee-delivery blockade around the White House. Three months is NOTHING! What the hell can you do in three months? You can't even learn to play the violin in three months, what the hell's the point?
But wait, didn't the professor say that a cup of coffee adds 9 minutes to a person's life? Why can't we just keep on drinking coffee*?
Why, yes you can** astute reader, and here's how much you need.
Drinking one cup of coffee = +9 minutes of life.
There are 1440 minutes in a day. That would mean that to extend your life by a day, you would need to drink 160 cups of coffee every 24 hours.
Assuming we all get 8 hours of sleep a night (though if you start our new coffee regime you might find that pretty difficult), that only leaves 960 minutes in which to drink 160 coffees (one every six minutes).
But how do you fund that sort of coffee habit?
You have two options - with time, or with money.
Kettles take, on average, three minutes and twenty seconds to boil. It takes 4 minutes to brew a damn good cup of coffee in a cafetiere, but obviously longer if you want to get a few on the go at the same time. Let's say you get an 8-cupper.
So 1 cup of coffee takes:
3m 20s to boil water
10m brew time
8 cups in a cafetiere
= 1m 40 per cup of coffee, meaning that to gain a day of immortality you need to be making coffee for FOUR AND A HALF straight hours every day. Feel free to drink at your own leisure.
Of course, if you (like us) can't afford to spend 4 and a half hours making coffee every day of your life until you (never) die, then how about buying your cuppa when you're out and about?
A cup of coffee costs £2 on average, and it doesn't take a genius to work out that 160 cups of coffee works out at £320 a day. That might have been fine for our parents, but in today's day and age where we can barely afford to think about saving for an avocado toast, spending £116,800 a year on the black stuff may be a pretty poor investment.
So, there you have it, your complete guide to gaining immortality, thanks to coffee (assuming you don't die of a caffeine overdose before you achieve it)!
Let us know if our guide works for you...
* Obviously not.
** You absolutely can't.