Kid. Hey, kid. Yeah, you. Come over here.
I know what you're thinking: 'Who's this weird old guy with a beard and a pot belly, and what does he want with me?' Sure, sure. Good questions. You've kept your wits about you. That's why it's so important that you listen to what I have to tell you.
It's no secret that this year has been rough. Plenty of my friends have met their maker, and I hit the bottle pretty hard, if I'm honest. But I rebounded. You've got to. You can't let this world keep you down. You can't let society keep you down. And now we've reached the toughest part of the calendar - December. Yeah, December. Don't look at me like that, kid, I know what I'm talking about.
And if you'll keep quiet for just a second, just one goddamn second, maybe you'll learn something. Because I can see something in you. Something not everybody's got. And I think you've got what it takes. I'm going to teach you how to survive the War on Christmas.
Yeah, you might have heard of it. The War on Christmas, the most brutal battle of the year. I've weathered it for decades, and I'm not gonna lie, it's made me the son-of-a-bitch I am today. Sure, it comes but once a year, but holy shit, kid. Holy shit. I've seen things you wouldn't believe.
Coffee cups without Jesus on them. Graphic designers rendering abstract snowflakes instead of the real deal. Shopping centres with under-decorated trees. It's enough to make a man physically sick.
It's a creeping war, this. You've got to stay vigilant, kid. Fucking vigilant. These people are relentless. If you let them say Happy Christmas instead of Merry Christmas one year, the next they'll say Happy Holidays. But then they'll sometimes still say Merry Christmas. That's right, they'll use terms interchangeably, all kinds of sick, twisted shit.
And it's up to people like us to fight. People just like you and me. Because this war isn't going to fight itself. We've got to rally the troops, keep those anti-Christmas bastards at bay, even for just one more year. One more year and it'll all be worth it. I tell you, kid, the sacrifices I've made would make others weep. See, you may not realise, kid, but I used to be famous. Yeah, real famous.
Huh, you recognise me? Interesting. Not many people do anymore, not many people do. Because I'm a figurehead in this war, I'm a symbol. And our enemies have spent years trying to tear me down. The shit they've done to me...
Sorry, kid, no one needs to hear that. The fuzzy memories of an old man. What's it to you if a school cancelled a visit one year because of a 'viral outbreak'? Anyway, look, the point is this: you're either with us, or you're against us. You've got to make your choice now.
Sure, we've got some propaganda channels on our side, some religious sects, too. But we've got some big problems. There are chocolate trees out there barely in the shape of trees at all. Colours other than red and green are still in store windows. Some sick fucks are handing out cards with words like 'Festivus' on them. Festivus? What is that shit? That is some made up bullshit, kid, and we can't let them get away with it. Christmas is for real. And it's too important.
So take it from me: you've got to fight for every inch. Get your Christmas bunker ready, stock some ammo, and bide your time. There's a storm coming, and this storm is secular.
Because if just one more kid this year orders a drone from Amazon and attaches a Season's Greetings label instead of a Merry Christmas one, I will consider that a complete and utter failure. That kid has got to know why his dad needs that drone - for Jesus, or the holy ghost, or something. Look, I don't have all the details with me right now. But rest assured, we can make a difference.
And if you stick with me, kid, you just might make it out alive.
Ho, ho, ho.
By Scott Limbrick - @ScottLimbrick