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You Will Also LOL: The Definitive Marvel Movie Superhero Arsehole Ranking
The Definitive Marvel Movie Superhero Arsehole RankingSeriously, who gives a fuck about Hawkeye?
1 of 22MarvelMarvel Superheroes. They're super. They're heroic. But they're also aresholes. So we decided to rank them in order of dickness, from least to most. First up, Groot. Groot is obviously God's Perfect Angel, and could never do anything wrong. Love U Groot.
2 of 22MarvelWho even ~are~ you, Wasp? We'll reassess when you get given a personality by the writers.
3 of 22MarvelFiercely loyal, War Machine is Tony's right hand man, who manages to (somehow) deflect his gravitational pull of being a complete and utter dickhead. Surely that means he's better than any of us?
4 of 22MarvelSure, Drax has killed a lot of people, but he's also a pretty funny guy. And he's trying to avenge his family for fuck's sake? WHICH OF YOU WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING ARSEHOLE-Y TO AVENGE YOUR FAMILY!? None of you, that's who. Drax is a saint.
5 of 22MarvelSure, Bucky's done a lot of shit in his time, but he was never ~in control~ was he? Underneath it all he's just a cutey who wants a quiet, metal-armed life. And who can blame him after all those years of torture and manipulation?
6 of 22MarvelOkay, there's no denying that Vision is one of the biggest arseholes in the game. But he's also basically a God, with little to no experience of being a human. Do you get mad at God for being a complete dickhead? Nah, he's just doing his job, like Vision.
7 of 22MarvelOne of Thanos' trained assassins, Gamora is simply looking to atone for her past crimes. She's been an arsehole in the past, but she's well on her way to some sort of serenity. Go chase your bliss, Gamora!
8 of 22MarvelFalcon is just a regular, kickass fly boy who doesn't take any shit and has always got a witty comeback on file. Okay, that describes everyone in the MCU, but come on, he's pretty nice when you think about it.
9 of 22MarvelBlack Panther is amazing. Strong, athletic, very fashionable. But he's also one of those 'kill first, ask questions later' kind of dickheads. Maybe in time he can work his way down to Groot level, but at the moment he's decidedly mid-table.
10 of 22MarvelScarlett Witch may not be the worst superhero, but she did throw a bomb into a civilian building because she freaked out and kicked off the events of Civil War... So... There's that.
11 of 22MarvelA slick, agile double agent with a silver tongue, Black Widow has killed more people than she's had hot dinners. But she's also pretty loyal when it comes down to it, so that should count for something?
12 of 22MarvelA cocky little arsehole who got his uncle killed. Sure, guilt and a sense of duty fuel him, but pretty sure Uncle Ben would rather be alive than reduced to a clunky origin story, don't you think?
13 of 22MarvelOuuuuu loook at meeeee I'm so good at arrows and having a faaaamily ouuuuuu SHUT IT BARTON, IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL.
14 of 22MarvelScheming, manipulative, Nick Fury is a necessary arsehole. Sure, he'll send you into a trap while withholding vital info, but he's doing it so you can reach your full potential, or die trying. Thanks, Marvel Dad.
15 of 22MarvelWhat kind of prick has hyper speed and doesn't earn his native country respect by competing in the Olympics? That's just selfish, Quicksilver. Fuck you.
16 of 22MarvelRocket Raccoon didn't choose to be genetically clever-fied and become aware of his own mortality, but hell, none of us chose to be alive and we're still lovely people for the most part. Why then does RR get to walk around being a massive wanker?
17 of 22MarvelWah wah look at me I'm a hyper-intelligent scientist who happens to become a mindless smashing machine every so often, woe is me. WAKE UP BANNER, YOU'RE AMAZING STOP WHINING AND LET DAT SMASHY SMASH OUT INSTEAD OF FLEEING IN A SHIP LIKE A TWILIGHT "HERO".
18 of 22MarvelStar Lord. Star. Lord. Lord of Stars. You know what you're a lord of mate? Being a complete and utter knobber. Arrogant. Lazy. Wait, no, that's James Potter. But also Star Lord. Fuck Star Lord.
19 of 22MarvelSure, Thor might seem all high and mighty, but did you know he's hella racist against Earth people? He calls us 'puny'. PUNY!? We'll see how 'puny' we are after we savage you in this list, you grade-a dickhead.
20 of 22MarvelYou know what they say about small men, but how about a small man who can become a big man who's actually a regular-sized man? Don't think we need to spell it out. There's a reason he hangs out in sewers: because he's a real piece of shit.
21 of 22MarvelCaptain America is a sentient fist, punching Western values into the face of the Earth, one dated reference and comic fish-out-of-water scenario at a time. He thinks we should return to old-fashioned family values, and probably voted Brexit. Arsehole.
22 of 22MarvelWas there ever any doubt? Obviously Iron Man is the biggest arsehole in the game. First he gets all bomb happy in Afghanistan, then unleashes Ultron seemingly for the LOLs. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist? How about douche, douche, douche...
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