It’s a truth universally acknowledged that Tinder is 50% people who want to fuck you, and 50% people who want to fuck with you. As a lady firmly in the latter camp, I set out on my life’s work: responding to each and every one of my Tinder beaus with a carefully selected Mean Girls quote. Why? Because I’m not pretending anymore, Cady. I’m a Mean Girl. I’m a bitch.
I started my pioneering experiment by swiping right on literally every single bloke I came across. I don’t want to say I peaked early, but, I definitely peaked early.
None for you, Glen Coco. Sorry, Glen Coco.
With so many perfect lines to choose from, I was finding it increasingly hard to choose an opener. I channeled some vicious Cady Heron:
Before deciding to personally victimise people with some Regina George:
Josh just wasn’t getting it - and I searched the entire script and there was no appropriate reply to his banality (@ us if you find one, beyotch). It was only when I encountered Mark-with-a-C that I started to realise you can have a totally legit conversation using only Tina Fey’s finest.
I started with a little bit of Coach Carr (who, btw, totally made out with Trang Pak).
Marc, despite the whole ‘c’ thing, clearly wasn’t down with popular culture, and we got off to a rocky start. But soon enough the conversation was flowing like Gretchen Weiners’ hair.
Marc was great. I gave him everything; I was half a virgin when I met him, but it wasn’t until I met David, a man actually dressed as a Love Heart in his profile picture, that I found my Aaron Samuels.
Again, I opened with some classic Coach Carr.
Before swooping in for the kill with a perfectly-timed Regina set-up.
David, like a champ, swallowed all my BS like it was a bunch of Kalteen bars, and before I knew it, he was asking me to be his Spring Fling Queen.
Things were totally starting to get so fetch.
And now we’re dating.
Nah, I’m just kidding. I can’t go to Taco Bell, I’m on all-carb diet.
God, David. You are SO stupid.