New Rules Swimming Pools Need To Adopt

There are worse things out there than running...

Most swimming pools adhere to a pretty standard set of rules, generally along these lines, showing bad men commiting bad acts:


A photo posted by @fartpoliceman on


Running, pushing, acrobatics or gymnastics, shouting, ducking, petting, bombing, swimming in the diving area and smoking are all forbidden, and that pretty much makes sense. If you’re trying to do lengths you don’t want a bunch of heavy petters rubbing up against you. But what else don't you want in a pool?

[subheader]No being poorly[/subheader]

If you're all ill and a-greasy, stay the hell away. If you have open wounds, just don't swim. Going swimming with a plaster on is basically worse than thumbing your vomit into other people's mouths.

[subheader]No Nazis[/subheader]

They're a terrible group of people and they're unlikely to contribute much to a positive swimming environment.

[subheader]No doing poos off the diving board[/subheader]

You're a mucky sod if you do this, and you need to get your life in order.

[subheader]No bombing[/subheader]

Like, no actual bombing. It's not nice.

[subheader]No going in the slow lane out of false modesty then being faster than a meteor and making everyone else look bad[/subheader]

Yeah, you show-off.

[subheader]No inappropriate swimming attire[/subheader]

Some garments aren't really suitable for sports. Or eyes.

[subheader]No being “that guy” in the changing room[/subheader]

If you can dry your hair, you can put a towel round your waist.

[subheader]No sexy anecdotes[/subheader]

People are just trying to swim. Save your filthy stories for later. And then, you know what? Don't tell them. 

[subheader]No leaking classified NSA documents[/subheader]

There's a time and a place, and a public swimming baths is neither of those things.

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