Death, Drugs & Dinosaurs: The 10 Maddest Friends Fan-Fic Stories

"Joey and Phoebe!? JOEY AND PHOEBE!!!"

[subheader:list:1]The One Where Ross Rides Into Town On A Giant Dinosaur[/subheader]


Credit: Ross' Surprise by Movie Guy 94

Ross turns up at "Mondler's" house riding a massive robot dinosaur. Unsurprisingly, all his pals are pretty hacked off about this. An enraged Phoebs decides to put a stop to Ross' robo-dino madness – with a massive hand-grenade...

Key lines:

It was the most earth-shattering sound they'd ever heard. It was like hearing God's battle cry.

The dinosaur's head was instantly removed from its shoulders causing it to crash through Monica and Chandler's bedroom window.

[subheader:list:2]The One Where Joey Hooks Up With Phoebe (RIP)[/subheader]


Credit: Loving Angels Instead by Unagigirl

Phoebe is tragically killed when she's hit by a car while skipping outside Central Perk. Joey swiftly realises that she was the love of his life, and is so devastated that he can't even eat, poor love. But then, a miracle! Phoebe appears to him in angel form, and they snog. But can Joe say faithful to a ghost?

Key lines:

“You can't go out with a dead person. With someone who can walk through walls and can be in the same room as you without you even knowing.”
“No you're right it's kinda hard to go out with a dead person.”

[subheader:list:3]The One Where Chandler Enters A Parallel Universe[/subheader]


Credit: Worlds Apart by Knight Ranger

Chandler is going about his business when he's struck by lightning, which, obviously, flings him into a parallel universe. When he attempts to enter his apartment, he finds it occupied by some random old guy, who attacks Chandler with a baseball bat. Scared and confused, Chandler eventually locates Monica – but she's got different hair. Will he ever escape this topsy-turvy world and return to reality?

Key lines:

Chandler's scream of pain stuck in his throat when upon touching the handle of the entrance, an errant fork of lightning struck him, flinging him several feet backwards. Lying on the sidewalk, he felt his limbs spasm as every nerve in his body fired. 

"You've got hear this," said Chandler suddenly. "It's like something out of the X-Files!"
X-Files? "Are you sure?" Monica queried.

[subheader:list:4]The One Where Phoebe Is A Drug-Addled Prostitute[/subheader]


Credit: Neverland by Melanie Geller

Following several happy years spent drinking coffee and chatting with her pals, Phoebe's life is flooded with doom 'n' gloom when her childhood ghosts come back to haunt her. Spiralling down, down, down, she soon finds herself walking the streets, selling her body for pills and desperately yearning to be in Neverland.

Key lines:

"I can't live without his pills he can't live without my money. We both therefore cannot live without the men."

"I strip off my jacket and hold it in my hand, pills in tow. Revealing myself to the residents of East Brooklyn, I scout out my prospects."

"I tell Grunty-Man that I need a minute to prepare."

[subheader:list:5]The One Where Gunther Turns Central Perk Into A '70s-Style Disco[/subheader]


Credit: Gunther Dances by Neil Studd

Bowing to calls for modernisation, Gunther gives the Friends' favourite hangout a disco-flavoured facelift. But will his thrusting '70s moves be enough to win over the love of his life, Rachel?

Key lines: 

Joey: Hey, Gunther, what's with the missing couch?
Gunther: (showing the guys a brochure) Sorry. Head Office regulations. To move this place into the 21st century, we're becoming a coffee house, stroke discotheque.
Chandler: ...but surely that's just moving this place into the 1970s? Shouldn't you become, like, a coffee house, stroke Internet cafe?

Inside Seventies Central Perk night it is obviously karaoke evening. The dancefloor is packed and Phoebe is on stage singing Agadoo.

Gunther: You gotta convince Rachel to go out with me.
Joey: Sorry, that ain't ever gonna happen. Since she saw you dancing, she can't look at you without laughing.
Gunther: Damn! (He runs out the back and into his office, where he adds MY DANCING to the "What Rachel Doesn't Like" list.)

[subheader:list:6]The One Where Phoebe Is Very, Very Depressed[/subheader]


Credit: Regrets by Phoebejoeyfan

You'd think happy-go-lucky couple Joey and Phoebe wouldn't take child-rearing too seriously, but after finding Joey to be an incompetent father, poor Phoebs is seriously bummed-out. So bummed-out, in fact, that she considers the unthinkable. Will she be utterly overwhelmed by her many 'Regrets'? Warning: bleak o'clock.

Key lines: 

She had known she wasnt ready for Motherhood when she had found out she was pregnant with Joey's baby, but as usually everyone had talked her round... what bullshit!

Here she was lumbered with a baby boy... no make that two baby boys. Joey was about as mature as a three year old sometimes.

[subheader:list:7]The One Where Rachel Is A Talented Swordfighter In A Fantasy World[/subheader]


Credit: TOW Rachel Is Brave by Exintaris

While en route to Central Perk to grab some coffees, the gang are sucked into an alternate universe in which they all wear tunics and carry massive swords. They pop into a tavern for a drink, but accidentally piss off an olde-timey goth and some wizards. Can Rachel step up and save the day with her mad sword skillz?

Key lines: 

Joey landed on his feet but for a moment everything was spinning in front of his eyes and he had to shut them. When he looked again everything had changed even his clothes. He was wearing some kind of long shirt belted at the waist apart from sandals that was about it and everything was more beaten up than his regular stuff.

"No way," growled Ross, taking one of his martial arts poses.

Rachel pulled her sword squared off with her hands clamped on the hilt and screamed "anyone else want some?"

[subheader:list:8]The One Where Joey And Chandler Fall For Each Other[/subheader]


Credit: Friends Don't Keep Secrets by Julesmonster

When Chandler unearths the gay porn flicks that Joey's been secretly starring in he feels a strange stirring within his loins. Confused, he takes up baking to distract himself from these newfound urges. But when Joey offers Chandler tender support of his dream of becoming a patisserie chef, Chandler can no longer contain his feelings. Will the pair take things slowly, or will their racing passions overcome them?

Key lines:

He heard Joey making those breathy 'ah hah' noises. The ones Chandler had memorised over the years.

"What's the matter Mon?" Chandler asked distractedly. He was busy making the mocha-fudge frosting for his almond cake.

“It's been two months of hand jobs... I think we're ready to speed things up a little”

[subheader:list:9]The One Where Chandler Is Bitten By A Peacock[/subheader]


Credit: Peacock by Shadow Wolf6

Ross, Rachel, Joey and Chandler are at the zoo. Typically, Chandler is brimming with wisecracks – until he finds himself the victim of a savage peacock attack. Will he survive? And will Joey be able to keep his cool? (Please note: author Shadow Wolf6 promises to write further, similar stories, if readers indicate they're keen on animal-focused Friends fiction.)

Key lines: 

"The sign says buy some animals food and find your animal using the map" Chandler said, grabbing some duck food. 
"Why can't we just use bread?" Joey asked
"Do you have bread?"
"No" Joey said
"Then why did you ask about bread"
"I was just wondering" Joey said

“Great I attract birds” said Chandler watching the peacocks as they surrounded him.

[subheader:list:10]The One Where They Are All Awful[/subheader]


Credit: The Last Supper by Nekyu Toi

The maddest fan-fic tale of them all, this reimagines the Friends as utter, raging bastards. If they're not snorting coke, they're making sleazy sex tapes – but little do they know, their grimy misdeeds are being transmitted live to millions of viewers, as they're all unknowingly appearing on a Friends reunion show. How does that work, you ask? Don't. Just... don't ask.  

Key lines: 

The producers had gone for a more-modern, edgier format to the show. Phoebe defacating in Chandler's mouth notwithstanding. 

"You!" spat Rachel, her pearly white teeth gnashing as she barked. They sparkled like the enamel on a used toilet. 

"Ross!" she shrieked. "That blonde bitch is here, so get some nibbles out!" 

Chandler and Monica's divorce had not been pretty. Their Chinese baby, whose name escaped Chandler for the moment, was taken into care, and rarely did either parent get to see him (or was it her?) anymore. 

Joey's fat ass was shifting constantly over the sides of the cheap plastic furniture that adorned his abode... Joey disgusted Monica. She realised how blindly she had wasted her youth laughing away like a dirty peasant.