Proof The Oscars Are Bullshit

Congratulations to everyone who got one, but the Oscars are obviously nonsense – look at this list of Best Picture winners and non-winners for proof

[subheader]1999: A genre-defining visual masterpiece loses to a dork filming a plastic bag[/subheader]

No film has ever led to as many long black coat purchases as The Matrix. Did anyone walk out of American Beauty and decide they want to dress like Kevin Spacey? Did they footballs. American Beauty didn't even spawn one sequel, while The Matrix managed two, an animated straight-to-video thing and two games. The Matrix pioneered bullet-time technology, meant we now had a name for big long dickish jackets and had the best reading of "I know kung-fu" conceivable.

[subheader]2004: A breathtaking transformation is overlooked in favour of a bunch of sad shit[/subheader]

Million Dollar Baby is bleak as hell, man. You know what isn't bleak as hell? Terry Crews singing A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton in White Chicks. Sure, the rest of the film is unmitigated shit, and the makeup used to transform the Wayans brothers into white women is the stuff of nightmares, but Terry Crews singing A Thousand Miles is enough to warrant overlooking that. It's better than Hilary Swank (SPOILER) becoming quadriplegic, losing a leg and dying, anyway. 

[subheader]1980: The Best Picture of all time isn't, apparently[/subheader]

Airplane!, which came out in 1980, is the funniest film ever made. It introduced the world to the comedy stylings of Leslie Nielsen, taught a generation to speak jive and ruined the name Shirley forever. Yet according to the bumheads who give out awards, Ordinary People was the best film of the year. We haven't seen Ordinary People, but it doesn't take place on an aeroplane or have a scene where Lloyd Bridges sniffs glue, so it can eff off really.

[subheader]1997: Mike Myers plays two roles, loses to a boat[/subheader]

THINGS AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY HAS THAT TITANIC DOESN'T
- Chest wigs
- A bit where a character has a wee, stops weeing and then starts weeing again but like multiple times
- A Burt Bacharach cameo
- Christian Slater saying "sherbert" in an English accent
- A lack of Billy Zane

[subheader]1984: Someone reckons pianos are better than ghosts[/subheader]

Amadeus won four Oscars that year, while Ghostbusters only got nominated for two. Thirty years on, this seems like lunacy. When was the last time you heard anyone whistling the theme tune to Amadeus? Did Amadeus have Rick Moranis in a funny tracksuit, or Bill Murray saying "This man has no dick"? No, it didn't. It just had loads of wigs, and a young whatshername from Sex & The City. Not the main one or the other one, the other other one.

[subheader]1994: A man who talks out of his bum somehow doesn't win[/subheader]

Forrest Gump has war, death, sadness, AIDS and politics. Ace Ventura has a dolphin, a man in a tutu faling over a hedge, and a young Monica from Friends. Both feature terrible haircuts. But if Forrest Gump was on telly now, would you watch it? Nope. It's really long, and makes naked attempts to tug on your heartstrings, and all goes downhill once Bubba runs out of different types of shrimp to mention. If Ace Ventura was on, though, you'd drop whatever you were doing. Plus death metal legends Cannibal Corpse are in it. 

[subheader]1985: Somehow a film where nobody wears a bra on their head is deemed to be less good than one where someone does[/subheader]

How the HELL can a film where two nerds make Kelly LeBrock out of a Commodore 64 while wearing brassieres on their heads not win Best Picture? It seems unbelieveable, but Weird Science wasn't even NOMINATED for anything, despite clearly being amazing. Out Of Africa won Best Picture that year, and all it's got going for it is a bit with a lion, but the lion doesn't even eat anyone.

[subheader]2007: Hollywood's anti-stuntman bias blocks Hot Rod from glory[/subheader]

It would have been pretty surprising if Hot Rod had won anything, given that only six people have even seen it, but we're confident that history will be kind to it. Like, No Country For Old Men is good – it's got a man with interesting hair shooting people with a wacky-ass air-pressure gun – but it's hardly a laugh riot. Ridiculous stuntman comedy Hot Rod, on the other hand, improves with every viewing (NB most of these viewings have taken place while quite drunk).