Richie Rich took the world by storm in 1994, but twenty-two years later we're still none the wiser on where the little lad ended up. Which is a little ridiculous, because a guy like him is sure to have had some crazy adventures throughout his late teens and twenties.
Assuming Richie was 14 in '94 - the same age as Macaulay Culkin at the time - he'd be hitting his 36th birthday this year. That's prime time for any wealthy dude, let alone our good friend Richie.
So what has Richie been up to for the last twenty years? It's not hard to work out. We made some projections based on the examples of billionaires such as Donald Trump and Peter Thiel, plus Richie's own childhood expoits.
Selling Drones For Use In Global Wars
That money's got to come from somewhere, and drones are the future, baby. Richie would surely slap some double-Rs on a few war drones and send them off without a care in the world.
Hell, remember the Robo-Bee? The Rich family was well ahead of the curve in causing wanton destruction with minimal effort.
Invading People's Privacy And Using Their Personal Data For His Own Gain
Richie was an okay kid, but the love of cold, hard cash would have taken him down this road sooner or later. As his friends deserted him in his late 20s when all he wanted to do was eat at his own McDonald's, he withdrew from the world and began to plot a greater rise.
Buying out Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat was only the beginning for Richie.
Hostile Takeovers Of National Monuments
This is a family that had their own mountain, for fuck's sake. You think Richie would think twice about lasering off the Statue of Liberty's face and replacing it with his own?
Of course not, you bleeding heart. You fool. He would do it in a heartbeat, just because he could.
Running A Covert Drug Empire
Richie got a taste, and from that point on he was a slave to the white powder. Or was he?
In fact, he expertly ran a drug empire right under the nose of the Feds. How would he get away with it? Probably because he would own the Feds, sucker.
Funding Hulk Hogan's Court Cases
In his early 30s Richie would shift to taking down media operations like Gawker by funding Hulk Hogan sex-tape lawsuits. If you don't understand that reference, Google it. Maybe you'll learn something, kid.
Becoming President Of The United States Of America
The minimum age for a US President is 35, and even then only his inability to amend the constitution prevented him seizing the ultimate prize any earlier. Now that he's 36, Richie has been president for over a year, with Donald Trump in the coveted Veep slot.
Five land wars later, the US population has plummeted by 83 per cent, but Richie goesn't give a fuck.
Truly, Richie Rich was a poor moral guide.