Dear Mr Johnson,
Gary can’t come to work today because he sprained his thumb right-swiping on Tinder while crying.
Dear Mr Henderson,
Michelle won’t be in today. She was doing a mirror selfie but stood in front of another mirror and thought there were a million of her and her brain blew up.
Alison will be off for the rest of term, because she read a whole YouTube comment thread by accident and now can’t stop babbling incoherently about Nazis.
Dear Miss Jones,
Matt is too tired to come to school today as he was up all night waiting to see if his hilarious tweet about the Chuckle Brothers went viral (it didn't, it was crap).
[subheader]Feeling a bit dicky...[/subheader]
Please excuse Simon from PE. He was trying to lean back really far to take a good picture of his genitals to send to people anonymously and he hurt his spine.
Dear Mrs Smith,
Henry burned himself Instagramming his dinner before it had a chance to cool, so has to go to the doctor.
Karen is at the doctor's today because she was SnapChatting a dog poo to a friend and some of it went in her eye.
Dear Mr Stewart,
Steve worked out how to turn Google SafeSearch off last night, and today he is oddly sleepy and sweaty and insisting on staying at home.