Stop Being Crap And Start Being Beyonce

Beyoncé turns 33 today. Coincidentally, she's 33 times better than you. Ohhh, don't act all hurt and offended, you know it's true. Here's how to stop being crap (i.e. you) and start being Beyoncé (i.e. Lady Jesus)

[subheader:list:1]Your hair should be moving, moving, moving at ALL times[/subheader]

Just look at your hair, sat glumly on your boring head like a rain-sodden nan in a bus queue. D'you think Beyoncé got where she is today by keeping her hair still? 


Nuh and uh. Nuh-uh. 

[subheader:list:2]Wear glittery shit[/subheader]

Who wears glittery shit? Beyoncé. 

Who wears a beige Gap cardigan they've owned since 2006? You do. 

Who's a one-woman cultural icon and music-industry powerhouse? Beyoncé. 

Who's not that? You. You're not that. 

[subheader:list:3]Get a better pet, FFS[/subheader]

Oh, so you've just posted yet another picture of your boring bastard of a cat on Facebook? Slow golf-clap for you. 

Here's Beyoncé riding her bad-ass horse, which is probably called Zeus Majestus VII. 

Mr Tiddles has to go. You see that, right?

[subheader:list:4]Do weird stuff with your hands, constantly[/subheader]

Without looking down at them, can you even remember what your hands look like? Of course not. They're completely forgettable, anonymous and charisma-free.  

Now check out Beyoncé's awesome wanking-spanners:

What do all these gestures mean? Nobody knows, not even 'Yoncé. Doesn't matter – they look cool. Now get those hands throwing shapes, or may as well chop them off (not that anybody would even notice). 

[subheader:list:5]Walk like you just got voted President Of The Goddamn Galaxy[/subheader]

Here's Beyoncé, nipping down Londis for a loaf of Hovis Best Of Both. 

Is that how you walk? Don't bother answering, it was a rhetorical question. Your walk is crap. 

[subheader:list:6]Retroactively, have been a freakishly confident 12 year-old[/subheader]

Remember what you were like when you were 12? No? Blocked it out? Allow us to remind you: you were made of throbbing zits, awkward moments and wretched sexual frustration. 

Here's Beyoncé when she was 12, on US talent show Star Search: 

Obviously, it's too late to do anything about this now – unless you're currently 11, in which you need to focus all of your efforts on being less completely lame and more completely Beyoncé.

[subheader:list:7]Exude an indestructable, deity-like confidence[/subheader]

Just look at you, apologising when somebody treads on your foot. Fretfully deleting all your drunken status updates, the moment you awake. 

If you were to just bite the bullet and purchase a bright red, 20ft-high sign that stands behind you and reads "FLAWLESS"...

...then people won't even notice when you go all klutzy doofus. 

[subheader:list:8]Pull a f---ing pizza out your hair[/subheader]

"But I can't do that!" is not an acceptable response. If Beyoncé can, you can. 

[subheader:list:9]Get your mudflaps right up in everyone's faces[/subheader]

Your bum: believe it or not, lame-o, it's not just for sitting on or expelling last night's ready-meal. Beyoncé wields her bum like a loaded gun, except instead of poo, it's loaded with coolness-bullets, and they're aimed at your face. Kapow!

For the love of God, do something interesting with your bum. Give it a little rub. Maybe pull your pants right up so your arse-cheeks hang out. Something, anything. You'll never stop being crap if you're not prepared to put the work in. 

[subheader]Lesson ends![/subheader]

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