You know that big-ass thing of writing and graphics that often fills the bottom bit of a TV screen, with news tickers or people’s names or announcements or whatever? It’s called a chyron, or the slightly more boring name of a lower third.
Better name: Screentumour
The white crescent at the base of each fingernail is known as the lunula, from the Latin for “little moon”. Fun (“fun”) fact: fingernail growth rates are linked to terminal phalange length – i.e., longer fingers grow nails quicker.
Better name: Fingerrhoid
It’s not a unit that comes up much, but the distance between the tip of your index finger and the tip of your thumb is a purlicue. It only ever really arises in that episode of Friends when they’re talking about dick size.
You know the sort of wooden sub-frames within old window frames that divide a window into several smaller panes of glass? They’re muntins. If you rewrite the lyrics of Frontin’ by Pharrell Williams so they’re about part of a window, you have wasted the precious gift of life.
Better name: the bit of wood between the panes of a window
The metal bit on a pencil that attaches the rubber to the rest of it is the ferrule. When you’ve completely rubbed the rubber to flatness and end up scratching the shit out of the bit of paper, it’s the ferrule that’s ruined everything.
Better name: E-Razor
The little plastic tables that keep the lid of a pizza box from smooshing into the cheese are called box tents. If you have no egg cups, you can turn them upside down and use them to hold eggs. It’s like the shittest lifehack ever. Just buy an egg cup, you peasant.
Better name: Elf-table
The cruncula is the bit in the corner of your eye where eye snot (or “gowl”) gathers. We used to know a guy who would scratch his with a compass to freak people out.
Better name: Eyegina
The cage that secures a champagne bottle cork is known an an agraffe. For massive laughs at a swingers’ party, you can take it off and affix it around your di[THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR HEALTH AND SAFETY REASONS].
Better name: Glans aviary
First coined by Beetle Bailey creator Mort Walker, grawlix is the collection of symbols used in a comic strip to suggest swear words like f*ck, sh*t, p*ss, cr*p, b*stard, d*mn and sm*lly.
Better name: Fucksterisks
Also known as a chatterbox, salt cellar, whirlybird and fortune teller, these are those things you fold out of a piece of paper and use to unscientifically tell people’s futures, secrets, or whether they’re a dumbass.
Better name: Ip dip dog shit-o-matic