If you're a young person in this strange, viral-fuelled, nightmare-driven, profit-focused world of ours, you already know that you're fucked.
It costs less to buy an actual island in Canada than it does to buy a flat in London, but at the same time it also takes less effort to binge-watch Netflix and binge-eat crisps than it does to make some cash by programming an app that helps other people binge-eat crisps that have been delivered to their Uber window. So choices have to be made.
Sadly, if you make the wrong choice, you absolute disgrace, you lazy, downtrodden millennial, you utter waste of your historical place on this Earth, your betters will see right through you. They will see that you are nothingness itself, that you are a black hole of corporate morality, that you are the opposite of good: that you are not a Doer.
For those of you unfamiliar with Fiverr, "the world's largest freelance services marketplace for lean entrepreneurs", you may be aware of its impact. Yes, Fiverr was the service PewDiePie used to get "Death to all Jews" written on a sign on the other side of the world. Doesn't that just warm your heart?
But now Fiverr has hit the news again with their new ad for freelancers, or as they call them, 'Doers'. With an image that looks like an outtake from an old American Apparel ad that didn't get past even their internal filters, Fiverr sets the terms: work for minimum wage, you fucking piece of filth, or maybe even less, and don't you ever fucking stop. The hustle is real, you disgusting free rider, and if you're not hustling, you're garbage. Chuck the Red Bull on a drip and churn out shitty copy for a chain restaurant, or you will be judged most harshly.
That's right, the gig economy, the sharing economy, or as it should really be called, the economy, has finally made literally killing yourself for a third-party corporation the ultimate determinant of your moral goodness. Are you a Doer, or are you simply sleepwalking into oblivion? Because if you're not using every piece of your time on this God-given Earth to derive every marginal piece of profit for another being, then truly you are Damned.
That time you've spent trying to connect with nature on a deeper level? That time you've wasted studying the philosophy of long-dead thinkers? That time you've whittled away trying to feel just a little more elementally human? Better instead to connect to World of Warcraft and chip away at the gold mines to fund Steve Bannon's horrific fantasies, making cents on the hour for your trouble.
This was always inevitable, wasn't it? You knew that once it was possible to make a profit with every second of your ever-shortening life that eventually the world would expect nothing less. Well, that time has come.
And you must decide: are you a Doer?
By Scott Limbrick - @ScottLimbrick
DISTRACT YOURSELF FROM YOUR IMPENDING DOOM: All The Best Musical Simpsons Moments