These Horoscopes Will Give You Purpose In Your Terrible Life

We have all the answers, innit.

Looking for some meaning? Some purpose in your life? Well, look no further, dear reader. Straight from our resident Comedy Central psychic comes the most insightful horoscopes you will read anywhere on the internet. Don't believe us? Take a look below...

Aries

Mirjam Naustbakken for Comedy Central

Well, Aries, you know what I'm going to say, don’t you? You just need to stop doing that thing you always do, okay? You did it last week, and it didn’t end well, and you’re probably going to do it next week as well. It’s not cool. No one finds it funny. Your friends kind of smile when you do it but maybe you need to just like, drop it? Seriously, Aries. Sort it out.

Gemini

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There is overwhelming, spiritual proof that you will probably find love this week. Like no pressure, but we think you are literally going to fall in love, maybe tomorrow. It could be a few days later, but also it could be tomorrow, and that’s really soon. So basically, keep your eyes peeled on the tube, in a bar, at the cinema. Because that person who you think has a great haircut and trendy garms, will probably be the love of your life. Just FYI.

Taurus

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This week you will eat a meal that is just so incredible, so life changing, you won’t know what’s hit you. You don’t think it’s gonna be that good and then BAM there it is. There it bloody is. The most delicious meal you’ve had in a year. Bonus points for your life if you share your meal, which will guarantee you good luck for at least two hours after the consumption of said meal. 

Cancer

Mirjam Naustbakken for Comedy Central

Do you want a hug, Cancerians? It’s been tough, the ol’ birthday month. There’s been pressure from everywhere, and if Mercury is correct (which it almost certainly is), the pressure isn’t going to let up just quite yet. Here are some things you can do to chill: eat one of those corner yoghurts you ate when you were little. Go for a walk without your phone. Pop some bubble wrap.

Leo

Mirjam Naustbakken for Comedy Central

YOU’RE GOING TO SEE A REALLY CUTE DOG THIS WEEK LEO. Also, your plants will die.

Virgo

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If you have a job, you’re going to get a pay rise. If you don’t have a job, you’re going to get a job. If you’re self-employed, nothing is going to change but you might spot an old flame in a bar.

Libra

Mirjam Naustbakken for Comedy Central

You really need to pull one out of the bag this time Libra. We know your relationship is having a bit of trouble, which is why we suggest being an extremely likeable, funny and good-looking partner for the next couple of weeks, just to keep things steady. You could try a new haircut? Read up on some Žižek to impress your bae? IDK just some ideas. Best of luck tho.

Scorpio

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You’ve just gotta stop being a dick and your life will be better. Seriously. Just don’t be a dick.

Sagittarius

Mirjam Naustbakken for Comedy Central

We actually have no advice for you Sagittarius. You’re doing a really good job atm. If there are gaps in your life then just count yourself lucky that you’re not a Libra.

Capricorn

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As the moons align in Saturn, and the suns of Orion spiral out of control, your sense of purpose and direction may feel shaken. If the stars do not guide you, then let the ground be your support. Look to those who care for you for help, and cut out those who have treated you badly. Maybe buy a candle.

Aquarius

Mirjam Naustbakken for Comedy Central

Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It's our problem-free philosophy. Hakuna Matata!

Pisces

Mirjam Naustbakken for Comedy Central

We seriously suggest throwing out that tupperware of curry you’ve had at the back of your fridge. We know it’s only been a couple of weeks but just trust us because we write horoscopes so we can predict the future. Honestly, if you don’t throw it away your cat might die or you might lose your job. So just chuck it okay?

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