If you wanted to act out a real-life Pokémon adventure in the 90s, your best option was buying a cap, turning it backwards, and lobbing tennis balls at the neighbours' cat, hoping that one time JUST ONE TIME it'd give up and choose to live in your Slazenger. More often than you'd only end up with a pretty stern telling off and some obligatory menial labour as penance... Well, 90s kids, the future is here, and Pokémon are finally REAL!
Seriously, thanks to Nintendo's Pokémon Go, all our 90s dreams can come true! In case you're a damn idiot, Pokémon Go is an augmented reality game, where you wander through IRL streets, holding up your phone in the hope that you'll stumble upon a wild Pikachu (or fifteen Ratatas THANKS NINTENDO). You can then catch, train, and eventually battle your super cute indentured servants.
But, seeing as the game takes place IRL (you have to physically walk from location to location on your Pokémon quest), you'll sometimes end up stumbling into some pretty unsafe locations. Just this weekend, a gang of armed robbers were caught stealing players' phones at a popular Poké spot. There are rumours of the kid who fell in a river and drowned while trying to catch a Magikarp. Seriously, Johto is a pretty dangerous place if it's actually set in 2k16's Britain.
Thankfully, there's one ray of sunshine... Reddit user SlothOfDoom couldn't get to sleep a couple of nights ago, so he did what any self-respecting 40-something would do... He decided to play some Pokémon Go. What happens next will warm your cold, stony heart. We'll let him tell it...
"Ok, reportingb in. Couldn't sleep so I downloaded the game and took a 3am walk. There is a little park a few blocks from me that had like three pokestops and a gym, so I wandered over there to see what the game could offer. Picked up an Evee outside my house and a couple of trash pokes on the way to the park.
So I get there and wander around a little checking out the stops and rustling around in the tall grass, then decide to go a few blocks away to see a couple more stops when I hear from the darkness a "Yo, my man!"
Turning I see two sketchy looking dudes sitting on a bench in the dark. I must have walked right past them without noticing them Great. One of them waves "My man, check over by the blue truck over there we got an onyx earlier."
So I wander over by the truck and sure enough there's a fucking onyx there. Awesome. So I end up chatting with the guys for a bit, told em where I got my evee, they convinced me to join red team when I hit level five so we could "lock shit down" in the neighbourhood.
Then the cop shows up.
Yeah, so it turns out two twentysomething black dudes and a forty year old white guy chilling in the park at 3am looks strange. It took a bit of talking to convince the cop we weren't doing a drug deal, and a bit longer to explain the game. Then the cop downloaded the fucking game on his phone and asked us how to get started.
Go red team."
N'AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ISN'T POKÉMON THE BEST!?
Good luck with your quest, Planet Earth.