Thor's New Haircut Proves That Society Is About To Collapse

We don't deserve nice things.

Today is a dark day. A dark day indeed.

For today it was revealed that Thor - yes, Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, part-time Avenger, and enthusiastic smasher of cups - had visited his barber for a little trim. Unfortunately for Thor, and for the world, the results are horrifying.

That's right, Thor now looks like a supporting character in Tron. Gone are his luscious locks, abandoned is his golden mane. He has opted for something only slightly short of a military crew cut, the kind your mum made you or your brother get so that you wouldn't need another haircut for a year or two. 

And to what end? Why has Thor, even a fictional representation played by an Australian man who, rumour has it, may not even be a god himself (though probably is), been stripped of his follicles?

Simply put, why is Thor shorn?

Getty Images/Comedy Central

Unfortunately, the answer is also quite simple. We, as a society, have failed to protect Things That Are Good. And without Good Things, we have nothing. For while some claim that you can have Too Much Of A Good Thing, they are wrong. And even as we have the power to maintain Things Being Good, this comes with the responsibility not to let Good Things become Bad Things, or even Average Things.

Is Thor's haircut a Bad Thing? It's too early to tell, but it is, at best, a Thing That Is Average.

Yes, served up a Very Good Thing that everyone can enjoy, we - yes, we, humanity, collectively, our combined consciousness - opted to literally cut it down to size, leaving us with one less Thing That Is Good.

This was not an active decision to try something new, this was a societal failure to protect something that must be protected.

How will we tell who is Thor and who is Iron Man? Who is Thor and who is Captain America? We can't. The fun is over, the jig is up.

"But his hammer!" You say, like an actual idiot. Shut up. Think about what you are trying to claim: you are arguing that Thor's haircut doesn't matter, and that is a logical fallacy. How can his hair not matter when it does? So go away, go home, get out of this place. You will receive no hearing here today, oh no, not on this, the darkest of days.

Today we mourn for this god's shaggy 'do, we weep for the hair that might have been.

And we understand, deep down, that as a culture we have seriously fucked up. And we know that there is no turning back.

By Scott Limbrick - @ScottLimbrick

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