Twenty Things Nobody Has Ever Done

There are certain things nobody has ever managed, in the history of humanity. Here are twenty things that have never been achieved by anyone ever ever.

1. Finished a game of Monopoly.

2. Read the full terms and conditions of anything before ticking “I have read the terms and conditions”.

3. Followed the instructions on a microwave meal to the letter.

4. Confidently known the definition of every word they played on Words With Friends.

5. Laughed out loud during an episode of Last Of The Summer Wine.

6. Seen an advert for mail-order trousers in a Sunday supplement and thought “Yes!”

7. Completed one of those build-a-battleship magazines where you get one piece every issue.

8. Listened, fascinated, to a colleague recounting the dream they had the night before.

9. Watched someone eat chips and not asked for one.

10. Read every name in the credits of a film and known what each job entails.

11. Felt totally confident they could show anyone else their internet search history.

12. Seen every episode of EastEnders.

13. Had a 100% success rate on Tinder.

14. Got more than two questions in a row while watching University Challenge.

15. Been convinced that Paul Daniels is actually magic. 

16. Seen David Copperfield on telly and thought, “Hey, he’s dressed well”.

17. Asked to see someone else’s holiday pictures.

18. Grown up wanting to be a commodities trader.

19. Got off with someone due to wearing a comedy tie.

20. Done a half-marathon and shut the fuck up about it.