Taking a pre-existing game and rendering it 21st Century-proof with cutesy graphics and social elements to keep the attention-span-depleted youth and captive commuters engaged for weeks of their fleeting, miserable lives is a novel idea and we’re extremely proud to have come up with it.
Social Justice Hangman
Everyone has an opinion, but it can sometimes feel like it is of absolutely no consequence whatsoever, especially on social media. Well all that is set to change thanks to this empowering mob-rule app! A complex algorithm pulls feeds from Facebook, Twitter and below-the-line comment sections, allowing users to decide the outcome of criminal trials... in real-time! The mechanic is simple: a judge devises a hangman word and – depending on whether you think the accused is innocent or guilty – you either put forward a considered guess to get them off, or a farcically stupid one to send them down. Nobody need ever attend jury duty again!
The inexorable rise of dating apps has come under fire in some quarters for essentially turning love into a game, but we feel they haven’t gone far enough. This app smashes checkers and Netflix-and-chill-swiping together through a poorly designed game mechanic which has its users navigate the treacherous world of modern romance with the possibility of actually losing at love. It’s not all bad; you are removed from play as soon as you’ve become literally ‘taken’, which sounds sweet. Other clunky analogous elements include: making your move left or right, becoming a king or a slaying queen, tactical advances, remaining guarded on the sidelines and putting your partner under you.
Read the biography of any multi-billionaire tech boffin and you’ll discover that they spent most of their youth absolutely rinsing Minesweeper. Given the exponential leaps in computer literacy humanity makes every time another newborn pops out clutching an iPad, we should probably give Minesweeper a bit of a makeover. This generation surely won’t be content to merely solve the fiendishly difficult puzzle-game, and we should make use of this. Utilising cutting-edge satellite technology and classified military information, Generation Y can eliminate mines in real war-zones at the touch of a button, thus simultaneously supporting our brave boys and keeping our dumbass punk kids in check. You’re welcome, the Government.
Battleships gets pretty much the exact same treatment as above, but this time the app allows users to sink warships, thus causing deaths instead of preventing them. We feel this will teach teenagers an important lesson about mortality and the dangers of the internet. There is also a real possibility that someone might destroy a nuclear submarine, causing the obliteration of all life as we know it. It’s very exciting to be able to take this power out of the hands of politicians and thrust it into the sweaty palms of the people at long last.
If there’s one thing working anywhere with a ‘breakout zone’ teaches you, it’s that would-be entrepreneurs, middle-managers, team-leaders and capitalism-enthusiasts will devour literally anything that takes a fun thing and renders it completely joyless by adapting it for their twisted spreadsheet-addled minds. You ‘ideate’ against your opponent by moving across a ‘vertical’ and passively aggressively bounce a ‘thought balloon’ off one another. If the ‘mind-sphere’ (another name for the ball (there are 55 alternative names in the full-version)) lands in your opponents’ long-term-goal, you score one solution and a ‘snackable’ piece of content is released. Also, your paddle is a Segway.
Connect Four For Connectivity
Accidentally ending up in a café or pub that has a selection of board games and seeing anyone playing them makes us completely unnecessarily and (arguably) unjustifiably irate. Similarly, we imagine that being asked for the Wi-Fi password umpteen times a shift drives the staff in these places insane. This app eases both our pain by having punters play Connect Four against a store-representative AI (with adjustable difficulty settings according to how willing you are to relinquish your data) in order to Instagram the love heart in their coffee froth.
Draw Something Warhammer
Once the sole preserve of the classroom’s most persecuted, this app removes all of the barriers the preventing Warhammer becoming a global phenomenon. Namely: being seen entering the Games Workshop; being seen exiting the Games Workshop; being seen with a Games Workshop bag; actually being in the Games Workshop; encountering anyone else who shares the shame of playing Warhammer; and spending any amount of time at all on anything which might be considered a labour of love. Instead, users can clumsily paint their pixel figurines with their fingers and battle one another without ever having to leave their rooms! Rejoice socially rejected nerds! For the heads, there will be a premium feature which releases the authentic Games Workshop body-odour-and-despair stench.
Craps is a devilishly simple game, in which you gamble on the outcome of a set of dice. Snapchat is a devilishly simple app, in which you send fleeting pictures of your genitals to your mates. The gamble here being that Snapchat’s servers have kept all of the compromising snaps you thought disappeared into the ether after 6 seconds on file, should they ever want blackmail their entire userbase. Disappointingly, they have so far failed to do this, so we propose they give us access to your n00dz and turn them into a fun game. Players are presented with the screen-name of two random Snapchat users and must wager on how many of their six most recent selfies are explicit. The bets are counted and the snaps revealed. Got a 'hard six’ there? If you say so pal...
Snake 2 Snakes And Ladders
Haven’t put too much thought into this one to be honest. It’s just Nokia 3310 classic ‘Snake’ in a lazy crossover with the popular board game ‘Snakes and Ladders’. No idea how this would work logistically, but it’s dangerously close to an Actually Good Idea For An App That Would Sell, so even if we had worked the whole thing out, we’re not going to tell you.
We take FreeCell, a beloved game that comes pre-installed on every computer in the known universe, and make you pay in tiny increments to make a move, thus doubling its popularity wholesale. Genius.
Solitaire With Friends
Solitaire… but as you’ve never seen it before! Now you have to wait days at a time for your partner to respond in order to take your next move, eventually having to humiliatingly swallow your pride and send requests to peripheral Facebook friends you haven’t spoken to in years but know are just as bored in their loneliness as you in order to continue. It’s a symbolic metaphor for reaching out and our need to find some sort of connection in these increasingly isolated and bewildering times we live in, or something.
No amount of revamps will ever get anyone to play this.