We Crunched The Numbers And By 3128 We'll Be Able To Apparate

Get ready for the power of instant teleportation.

For centuries humans have wondered when we will have the technology to teleport ourselves instantly across the world.

Imagine the possibilities: distance would be no barrier to bringing people and cultures closer together. In mere moments you could move from Big Ben to the Statue of Liberty.

We could be like Power Rangers. And it would be a beautiful world.

But as no one has even come close to developing this sweet, sweet tech, we've had to turn to apparition, the Harry Potter model of self-teleportation.

And folks, we're getting close. We're getting real fucking close.

Because we here at Comedy Central have crunched the numbers, the data, the digits. And statistics do not lie.

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Observe this graph of 100 metre world record times from 1964 to 2016, extrapolated to the time where humanity is able to cover that distance in zero seconds.

Do you see it? DO YOU SEE?

By the year 3128, the fastest humans will be covering 100 metre distances in no time at all. And shortly afterwards they will literally be travelling back in time, such will be their speed.

If we can merely bide our time and harness this incredible power, people everywhere will have the ability to apparate. Sure, it will only be for a hundred metres at a time, but it's not nothing, people. It's not nothing.

And then it's only a matter of time before we're covering 200 metres, 400 metres, 800, marathons, the world. And that will truly be a glorious time to be alive.

Trust us: it's science.

By Scott Limbrick

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