11 Weird AF Board Games That Have Actually Existed

Most of them are 'vintage' now. Go figure.

When you think about it, board games are a weird thing. You and several people who you (assumedly) enjoy the company of sit around a table, fixated on a piece of cardboard, hoping for each others' misfortune. Classics include The Game of Life, which has you thinking about family planning from the age of eight, and Monopoly, which is the perfect family game for those who want their children to grow up to be tyrannical landlords.

But things get way, way weirder in the world of table top competition. Buying a road in London for £200 seems totally logical in comparison to the objectives of some of these games.

1. Poison Ivy

This game teaches children that if touching something poisonous leads to you lose several fingers, by Jove, you should keep doing it.

The object of the game is to pick as many green leaves from the 'Ivy Patch' as possible without picking up poison ivy. Every time you pick a poison one you have to bandage up a finger, so it's not long before you have bloody stumps instead of hands.

2. Capital Punishment

Capital Punishment was created to make a point about justice and crime. One player wins by moving all of their 'criminals' to either Life Imprisonment, Death Row or the Electric Chair. 

We can hear the sound of children's laughter already.

3. Where's The Beef?

Where's The Beef involves players wandering around a diner and searching for food underneath tiles. A nostalgic adventure that harks back to a time before health and safety got out of hand.

4. Bed Bugs

Have you ever been bitten by a bed bug? It really isn't nice. They're larger-than-expected (Google at your own risk), flat insects that can smell when you're asleep - at which time they go for a little jaunt around your body, biting as they go along.

But at some point, somewhere, a marketing team decided to put the 'fun' back in 'infestation' and turn it into a game.

5. Railway Transportation

This isn't freaky per se, but it looks simply riveting.

6. Knight Rider

Forget educational board games; a good parent would have known this was the item essential to any childhood. 

Watch the all-action, all-suspense 80s TV show transform into a foldable board and some counters before your very eyes. Oh, the adrenaline.

7. Pain Doctors: The Game of Recreational Surgery

The reason Pain Doctors: The Game of Recreational Surgery unsettles us is relatively clear.

In the game, you're a doctor doing surgery just for you know, lolz, and you get one of your patients healthy enough to withstand whatever surgery you want to perform. Eventually, you keep daring yourself to do more surgery on the patient, but the risk is that you'll kill them and score nothing. Bants.

8. Mr. Pop!

In the cheerily-named Mr. Pop!, the objective is to stop a man's face jumping up at you and subsequently collapsing in on itself.

Not that this concept was creepy enough, or anything, so they made Señor Pop's eyes as hauntingly vacant as possible. And that's when his facial features haven't been removed.

9. Die Grosse Walze

Die Grosse Walze is the name of the steam roller you can see on the game's box, and the objective of the game is to mow down as many innocent humans as possible using it. 

Is the steam roller's face one of calm? An acceptance of death, while taking as many other lives as possible with it?

The game was published in 1929, which we hear wasn't a very optimistic year.

10. Narro

We don't really give AF about the rules of Narro. It just makes us wish that we'd forwarded that chain mail back in the 2000s so the clown won't come for us in our sleep.

11. The Sinking of the Titanic

Okay, sure, maybe it's always a little early to be joking about a disaster which killed 1,500 people, but how bad can it be?

Well, actually, the main objective of the game is to compete with other players for food and fresh water. Then, you race them to a rescue ship so that you can live and the others die a horrible death.

Brutal.

Related: Your Favourite Video Games: Then & Now