Sometimes, in the middle of the night, there’s nothing more comforting than the glow of multiple social media apps telling you that you’re not alone.
“We are your friends,” they say from the home screen. “You don’t need anyone else,” they say.
And they’re right, you think. Who else can give you a selection of painstakingly planned miniature photographs like Instagram does, quick-witted one liners like Twitter, and terrifying, warped images of your friends like Snapchat?
And what else are friends for if not those things? So now, as you sit at the pub alone on your phone, imagine that these are the companions beside you instead.
You're popular really.
Last thing you heard from your little sister Snapchat was that she was going to a fancy dress party tonight. Now it’s 3am, and she won’t stop calling you. She’s smashed, of course, but keeps hanging up, calling, hanging up, then calling again. And she won’t stop making woofing noises.
Twitter won ‘most likely to become Prime Minister’ at your end-of-high-school awards, and hasn’t let go of that fact.
First it was his insightful views into US politics, mostly comprising of stuff photoshopped to look like Donald Trump, and now he keeps telling us what ‘the left’ and ‘the right’ are thinking, since he’s an authority on all political leanings.
And he keeps on referring to you as ‘the masses’. Cheers, Dave.
You’re not sure how he keeps finding out about them, but whenever there’s a party, he’s the first to arrive.
Then he keeps pushing people to share the deepest, darkest details of their personal lives with him. Who are you seeing? Where did you study and when? What movies do you like? How do you feel about that? Wasn’t this morning great?
It’s why you didn’t invite him in the first place – he would have just clicked ‘maybe’ anyway.
Instagram was bought her first expensive camera by her parents, and has now declared herself a freelance photographer.
First she began taking black and white photos of the London Eye, and now she’s moved on to snapping empty crisp packets in housing estates. Because art.
You’re not totally sure what Yik Yak is taking, but most of your time spent with him is in silence. That is until he starts murmuring things like “wouldn’t it be cool if we could talk to animals?”, “what happened to the guy selling cigs for a fiver” and “imagine having money wow I just got chills”.
All fair points, but who is he talking to?
You were half way through describing your really bad day to Vine, but can already see her eyes wandering.
She suddenly runs off to play with a daschund she spotted from across the park. But before you can catch up, she's started climbing up a tree. Now she's talking to an old man.
Then she finally sits back down next to you to let you finish your story. But then she spots a daschund from across the park...