WTF Is Going On In Game Of Thrones?

Seriously, though, there really actually couldn't be any more spoilers in this…

Spring is officially springing, ironically bringing a new season of Game of Thrones with it. 

Of course, this means our Monday nights now contain approximately 11% more northerners, 27% more beheadings and 600% more boobies than they did all winter. And after last night's epic premiere, we're roughly 63.5% more confused than we ever have been in our entire lives. 

Firstly, You-Know-Nothing-Jon-Snow is ACTUALLY PROPERLY DEAD. It shouldn't have come as a surprise, given that he was viciously set upon and repeatedly stabbed by a group of thugs AND A CHILD in the incredibly disturbingly violent climax of Season 5's finale. And yet here we are, shocked to the core. Of course, we're convinced that he and his glorious, shaggy mane will make a triumphant return somewhere around episode three. 

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Secondly, Supposedly-Not-A-Proper-Lady-Brienne is a BADASS. And while this isn't new news, her heroic horsetop rescue of simpering Sansa and creepy Theon was a sight to see. Up yours, patriarchy. Also, brave Pod finally did something with that sword of his. (Nope. Not like that. Get your minds out of the gutter.)

HBO

Speaking of gutters, Kingslayer and Sisterlayer Jaime Lannister gave Cersei the sweariest and least comforting comfort speech of all time, basically telling her to fuck everything. Because nothing says I love you like a good fuck… (Sorry.)

HBO

And then the shit well and truly hit the proverbial fan in Dorne, when Ellaria Sand won the mother of the year award and decided to ask her daughters to help her assassinate all the men south of King's Landing. If the battle for Westeros is about to come down to them versus everyone else, there really isn't any point in continuing this charade.

HBO

But the biggest WTF moment came when the gorgeous but terrifying Melisandre decided to disrobe completely and give us a full-on gander at the wrinkly old lady bod she's been hiding. Far be it for us to judge, though. As far as these things go, she doesn't look half bad. 

HBO

No? Just us? Oh.

Winter is coming to South Park on Friday 29 April, only on Comedy Central. All hail the princess.

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